Recovery

-2-

I miss everything we do, I'm half a heart without you...
-Half a heart - One Direction
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I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself for what felt like the hundredth time today.

Just as I was going to sit on my bed, my mom yelled for me to come down stairs. I straightened my black knee length dress and made my way down the stairs.

We drove in silence which was good as I wasn't going to talk to anyone anyway. We reached the church where the funeral was being held. There were more people around than I expected. Half of the people shouldn't be here. It's not like his death affected them in anyway seeing as how they seemed absolutely fine and were all chatting away in groups.

I went to the front row and sat down with his parents. They gave me the best smile they could muster, I didn't return it though, I just couldn't. They gave me an understanding nod and looked ahead as the ceremony began.

Then came the time I was dreading, loved ones talking about their experiences with him. His nan was first to speak. She flew all the way from the Chicago to be here. I really liked his nan, Ben was extremely close to her. He'd call her up everyday to ask how she was doing and if her health was fine and stuff like that.

He was a sweetheart, sorry correction he is a sweetheart. "Just because you died doesn't mean I will let you go so easily, you're with me in here" I said looking at the sky. I know it's a bit silly but it's all I have.

Before his mum went on the podium to speak she asked me if I wanted to speak. I just shook my head no. She gave me kiss on my head and went to the podium.

I mean of course I wanted to speak. But I can't do it. I can't speak about him yet. I haven't spoken since his death, but I feel like I'm being selfish here. If I was dying, I would've wanted him to speak in my funeral, I have to do this for him.

When his mum was done i gathered up all the strength and courage I have left and got up and went towards the podium. My parents were shocked because they didn't think I'd have the guts to even look at anybody let alone speak in front of them about my dead boyfriend.

I just stood there for a while staring at my fingers, not knowing what to say.

"Umm.. I actually didn't prepare any speech because I didn't think I'd be speaking but that would be very selfish on my part so please bear with me, I'm sorry."

"That's okay, go on honey, take all TE time you need." His mom assured me. Now I know where he got his angelic behaviour from.

I took a deep breath before I started. "I..umm.. We met at school, he was a year older than me. I was always on my own. I'd usually spend my free time reading a book. I didn't really have many friends so I kept to myself mostly.

On the other hand, he was really popular, he was on the school football team, had loads of friends, really cheerful and loved talking and making people laugh."

I laughed slightly recalling our first conversation. "I was sat under a tree one day, reading a book and eating my lunch simultaneously. He came and sat next to me and just smiled at me, a very fake innocent smile. It was pretty surprising for me but I just smiled at him and slightly scooted away."

"Knock knock!" He said smiling at me again.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh c'mon just go along"

"Hmm.. No thank you, I have to go" I said placing the bookmark in my book and closing it.

"Oh c'mon don't be such a sour puss lets try this again okay? Knock knock"

I rolled my eyes at him but decided to give it a try. "Who's there?"

"A cow goes"

"A cow goes who?"

"No silly" he said pushing my head playfully. "A cow goes moo"

"That is literally the worst joke I've ever heard" I said in between laughters, and he just gave me a smug look.

"And that was it. We sat there all day talking and laughing. It was the most fun I'd ever had. Gradually as we spent more and more time together we got closer and closer and like that unknowingly,fell in love with each other."

I smiled down at my hand remembering our first kiss. But that memory was only for me, not for anybody else.

"Wow... I can't believe it's been 2 years since that time. From the start, it never felt like I was getting to know him. It felt like i was remembering him from something and we always thought we had this unbreakable connection and our love was so strong and could never die. We had an unbreakable bond. We'd sit in a room together in silence and still have the best day because all we ever needed was each other's company, that's all we ever wanted, all we ever wished for, well I guess some wishes are meant to remain wishes."

I couldn't stop the free falling tears that didn't seem to have an ending. "But he's still all I ever want, all I'll ever need, but I will never have him. He's gone forever leaving us, leaving me forever with only one wish, to have him with me, even a day, even few more minutes with him is all I want, but guess I won't get that."

"We were the cheesiest couple you'd ever come across" I giggled slightly. "We had everything planned out. We'd go to college together, I'll go to med school and he'd train to become a professional footballer. He was really good at football let me tell you."

"Once we were having a cuddle and I just casually asked him if he'd ever leave me. He was caught off guard at first but then he just turned to me, .held my face, looked me straight in the eye and told me that he would be with me to annoy me till we'd grow old and that he'll always be there to protect me and that he'll never leave me ever." I was full on sobbing by now I just couldn't control anymore.

I said looking at the coffin in front of me. "you're a liar. You lied to me. You left me all alone in this world and you said you were going to protect me. Lies! How are you going to protect me now?? You're gone" I screamed.

"The only difference between you and me is that you're already dead and I'm dying, slowly and painfully and I will continue to deteriorate on the inside day after day, until there's nothing left of me anymore."

"Why did you do this to me?? Why did you leave me? I will suffer for the rest of my life wishing I had you by my side to comfort me, to flash me that million dollar smile of yours which I will never see ever again"

"Why did you do this to me Ben. I can't move on.

We were like a bicycle. You were the wheels to my bicycle that keep me going, but now with the wheels gone, how do expect me to move??" I screamed running away from there. I need some space. This was too much for me. I want to get away.

But there is no escaping from this. This is how it is going to be for the rest of my life...
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Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I have exams so its going to be slow updates till then.

How was this chapter? I'm sorry if its too cheesy ugh!

Honest opinions, open to criticism😁.

Thank you so much for reading

I love you crazy amounts❤💕🙈

-Smruthi x