RELIGION [H.S.] [A.U.]

two

Possibility - Lykke Li (*)
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Ezra ~
Flashback ~
December ~ One Year Later
(*)

I was right when I said I wouldn't be the same.

An entire year later and if anything it's worse than I imagined. It's like the more time that passed the worse I felt. And the more time that passed the more I wanted to numb the pain.

It started that December after their funeral a year ago, I got involved with the wrong group of people and allowed myself to be easily influenced by them. You know how it goes.

The entire rest of my senior year was spent trying every drug I could get my hands on. Didn't really help but I didn't care.

And then there was alcohol. I drank to drown out the pain, but eventually it learned how to swim. So that didn't work either.

I still went to my classes for the most part, and although I didn't actually attend my graduation in May I still had my school mail me my diploma.

Now here I am at nineteen basically at rock bottom and having no intention of finding my way out.

It's easier on my soul this way though, just allowing it to succumb to the darkness.

Currently I'm in the exact same spot I spend most of my days wallowing in. I'm not in college, that much is obvious. So I just sit here on the edge of my bed, my same bed I've slept in since I was ten. In the same house I've lived in since forever.

Today's misfortune is the email I got from the bank letting me know how much of the money from my parents I have left. I know I told my parents the day of their funeral that they wouldn't have to worry about it going fast, but how else was I gonna buy my medicine?

By medicine I of course mean the drugs and alcohol. Oh yea and cigarettes, almost forgot about those.

Today is slightly different though, because today I cried again. For the first time in months my cheeks felt the flow of tears again. But this time wasn't just in sorrow, but disappointment.

The disappointment I have in myself is almost a stronger feeling than the depression. But I think they go hand in hand.

And then when I start thinking about how much of a failure I've become I start getting angry, which then leads to the alcohol and drugs. Too bad I'm all out right now, so cigarettes will have to do for now.

And a walk. I could go for a walk. Going for walks is the only form of physical exercise I get these days, and it's very calming. Good thing the torture I'm putting my body through is keeping me skinny, because that takes away something else I would've shamed myself over.

Don't you just love being a female in today's society?

The old Ezra was raised by the most amazing parents to never be ashamed of herself. Because God made me unique for a reason, He doesn't want me to be like everyone else. That's what my Christian mom and dad used to tell me.

Yea, screwed up Ezra Michaels was raised in a Christian based household. No one looking at me now would ever think that. But I guess it's a good thing I don't care what anyone else thinks of me, I only care about what I think of me.

But that's what is making my life tough, I'm brutally honest with myself and I have no mercy on my feelings and heart. It's destroying me on the inside and that's what leads to the destruction on the outside too.

Why did God have to make temptation so easy to fall into? Why is being better always so much harder than being worse?

That's why depression is so popular these days, because for some reason the universe made it unbelievably difficult to do right by yourself. Instead it made it so easy to do everything wrong, and so as humans we submit to the temptation.