Stealing Pulse

Chapter 2

Have you ever felt dirty? Like really dirty for doing something bad. Not bad as in inappropriate, but as in hurtful? Every time I see something bad happen, and I didn't do anything to stop or help it, I feel dirty. I hate the feeling…It's like a layer of grime seeping into my skin and through my body.

I try to scrub the bad off me. I turn the shower on as hot as it can go and I scrub and scrape and rub until my skin is beet red and raw. Free of anything bad that may have leaped out at me and trickled into my thoughts and onto my body. My skin is real tender after that. It hurts for awhile, the stinging & the burning, but it's better than being dirty.

That probably is a weird thing to do. But, I'll tell you this. I'll stop when no one is hurtful anymore.

I shake a lot. Mostly it's my hands. People laugh and I laugh too. It's fine, it's okay. But what no one really asks is why I'm shaking. It's not that they don't care, I think it's just that deep down…they don't really want to know the answer. I don't want them to know. It will worry them and I don't really want lots of people to talk to me about it or worry about it. It's hard enough to keep it a secret when some friends ask "Whats wrong?" I usually shrug it off and they usually accept that. They are good people, I appreciate that.

If I ever made you worry, I'm sorry. My parents are always worrying about me. My little sister too. I try and be strong for everyone, but when I'm all alone I dont have to be anymore. Thats when my mask falls off and the tears are shed. Mostly I just throw stuff.

I want to get lost. If I could, I would. But I can't. Fuck.

I'm sorry for using profane language, but sometimes it's hard to help.