Stealing Pulse

Chapter 6

I always carve my initials in places I've been. Not so that I remember where I have been, but so I can remember whether or not I really was there. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I end up thinking they were real. I think the reason I sleep so much is because I prefer my dreams to my reality. In my dreams I can do anything, but I always end up in your arms. When I wake up, though, I'm alone. In reality, I go to school. I see you sitting there holding her but you’re staring at me. And I know; that somewhere in your head, you know that you’re holding the wrong person. I just wish you would tell me that you knew. Because it hurts an awful lot knowing that I had you, but let you go. You were the only one who ever really knew me. I miss you. 

Do you remember how much you missed me when I was gone? Or have you forgotten. I think you must have forgot because if you remembered how much it hurt to miss me, you wouldn't be making me miss you. I want to undergo that sensation of being accompanied by you and only you. Do you remember that one night? The night I fell in love with you? I had told you not to fall in love with me because it was too dangerous. You said too late. I smiled and you smiled back. 

We were really close that night. As close as I've ever been to any one. It was really cold outside and I was wearing a dress and it was itchy. It was nighttime and you were driving me home from a party. I told you I didn't want to go home yet, so you parked the car in the place that we took pictures in the summer. You were angry with me that night. You were angry because I was still with someone else and you wanted me to be with you. I told you I was so sorry, so sorry. Then you saw that I was really upset and you told me to calm down. Breathe. I did. I closed my eyes and leaned the chair in your truck back. 

When I opened them you were right there. You were looking at me. Studying me. Whenever you do that it makes me feel vulnerable. I felt like crying all over again. It was dark. The moon was the only thing we could see by. You asked me why I was shaking. I looked down at my hands. They were. I reminded him that I was sick. I told him I was getting worse. He leaned back in his chair and faced the ceiling. I was watching him breathe. It was uneven. I remember leaning over him so that i could see his face. He was crying. I instantly felt like shit. 

This was the reason why I never told anyone. He was the only one I had ever told. It was November, but I had told him in August. I whispered for him to come here. He turned on his side in his chair and looked at me. He put his hand on my face—cupped my cheek and stared at me. "I just want you to get better." He whispered.  I wiped his tears from his eyes. He was so sensitive with me. Other people would never know. We were only talking in whispers. Anything louder seemed to hurt our ears. He had compared our relationship to the movie A Walk To Remember. It really was quite like that movie. I just hoped it didn't end with me dying. 

I was holding his hand so that mine wouldn't shake and he asked me why the doctors couldn't do anything. I told him we were still figuring out what the best plan of action was. I smiled to try and lighten the mood, but his somber expression wiped the smile right off my face. My eyes felt heavy. At this point in my life I had never cried in front of anyone. I wasn't planning on letting my guard down that far. We whispered to each other some more and then he moved over into my seat with me. There wasn't enough room to sit like that so he laid back in my chair and I laid on top of him. 

I was still in my dress and it was uncomfortable to be wearing so I sat up and unzipped the back. I pulled the straps down and pulled the whole thing over my head. It wasn't like he hadn't seen me naked before, so I wasn't self-conscious. He took his shirt off, unbuttoning the front, and handed it to me. I pulled it on, but didn't bother to button it. We laid back down. I had my head on his bare chest, he was so much taller than me, even laying down. I drew a heart in the window with my finger. The windows were incredibly fogged up. 

I was warm laying on him. I remember him singing something. It was being whispered to me. "…It's the first long kiss on the second date, Mama's all worried when you get home late, and dropping' the ring in the spaghetti plate, 'cause your hands are shaken' so much…" It was our song. I looked at the clock and it read ten forty-two. We had left the party early because we had wanted to be alone. Now that we were I felt really tired. I laid back down and he kissed me softly on the forehead. I melted a little inside. 

After what seemed like a minute, I opened my eyes and hovered my face above yours. I looked at you and then I kissed you. You smiled, your eyes still closed, and kissed me back. It was light at first. But then it got more passionate. You wrapped your arms around me tightly and pulled me closer—our lips still locked. I was attempting to undo your belt, but your hands met mine and you did it your self. The next thing I know is we are both extremely naked. Its really warm now and our skin is so soft.

I trace my fingers down your abs. You're so pale compared to me. You reach for my hands and our fingers interlock. I want you really badly, but its very late—midnight. And I have to be home by one. So I kiss you again and we keep kissing until you're on my neck and all over. You're everywhere and you want me. But you tell me we can't have sex. I ask you "Why?" even though I was not going to do it. You say "I cant take your virginity. I could never do that unless we had previously talked about it." I smile because that statement would surprise everyone. You're supposed to be a bad boy.

You pull me back to you. Your lips are everywhere. On my face. On my neck. On my body. But we stop so we can rest a little. I lay my head over your heart so I can listen. Its thumping so hard I can feel it beating. Mine is weaker. It splutters about. I can feel you under me. We are warm and soft and perfect. I move under your neck and I fall asleep first. In my dream Its black and white. Everything is moving in slow motion, like we're underwater, but I wake up because he kisses me on the forehead. 

He tells me I'm beautiful. This moment is so perfect I cant even believe it. I feel like that one instant, right before you wake up, where there's that perfect blend of sleep and consciousness. He whispers softly that we have to go. I mumble something unintelligible because I'm still half asleep. I feel him chuckle as he lifts me off him and puts me on the seat. He opens the car door and the cold air rushes in. I'm up now. The clock says one twenty-two. I don't really care that I was supposed to already be home. I look for my clothes in the dark and realize it's a dress I have to put back on.

He is already dressed and helps me find my bra. Its just a  plain black one. He hands it to me and watches me dress. I smile because I'm just happy and I want to know if he is happy too. He answers my smile with a smile and everything is amazing.

Because he knows the worst thing about me and its all okay.