into the blue 🖤 campbell bain

two

Two weeks, nursing a bruised rib and a biting pain in my arm. Two weeks, talking to doctors who were just dying to know what would make a girl like myself scale the roof of her university, why someone who had so many opportunities might become a danger to herself and others. Two weeks, choking down pills that soon caused me to feel constantly sick to my stomach, as well as gain five or so pounds.

Two weeks in the first hospital before I was passed over to the next, - the latter being a loony bin.

Even now that I have all my things packed up and placed in a room at St. Jude's, I still have the nagging feeling that this must have been some huge, horrible misunderstanding. Surely, this isn't how my life was meant to turn out.

I was having an off day, that day up on the roof. A sudden burst of emotion, offsetting my usual apathy, causing me to seem just a bit off my rocker. I should've been back in my dorm, - working on a paper with a record on, chugging coffee and perhaps swallowing Midol caplets to help even out my mood.

Maybe I just did everything in an odd order.

Maybe, if I hadn't read that poem over again, the day would've gone differently.

Maybe I should have gone to the cafeteria for breakfast, eaten with my classmates, reminded myself that the semester would be over soon enough, that everything passes eventually.

Maybe, if I hadn't allowed myself to give into the curiosity of finding that door and scaling those stairs, I would be beginning another boring week of coursework right about now.

Maybe, I could have just continued ignoring it, just like I had been doing since high school ended... or had it been before?

Whatever the case, I find myself snapping back to reality at the sound of a woman's voice. "Are you Dorothy Walker?"

I stand up from the plastic chair I had been sitting in, smoothing the skirt of my T-shirt dress over the tops of my thighs. I clear my throat before meeting the woman's dark eyes. "Yes," I tell her. "I am."

The woman, - a middle-aged black lady wearing magenta scrubs, - eyes me warily. Finally, her gaze settles at my side, where I hold the suitcase of the things they sent for me from my dorm room.

I have no idea what's inside, truly. I can only assume my belongings have been thoroughly combed through, everything that I might cause any sort of harm with tossed out and sent God-knows-where.

The woman's eyes return to mine before she gives me a quick nod. "Right," she says, though I have no idea what she might be confirming. "Well, let me just get you the papers to fill out real quick..."

"Thanks." I wait as she walks behind the front desk and extracts a pen and clipboard.

Soon, she walks back around and hands the items to me. "There you go, love."

I nod, filling out the form as quickly as I can with my shaking hand before handing the clipboard back to the woman.

She gives it a quick cursory look before giving a hum of approval. "Well, then..." She places the clipboard back on the counter. "Welcome to St. Jude's, Miss Walker. Now, follow me this way..."

-

The nurse and I take the elevator up a few levels. The only sound all the while is the mechanical noises coming from the metal box. As it slowly pulls us upwards, I can't help but wonder what would happen if it came crashing down. Now, wouldn't that just be so sickly ironic?

"Miss Walker?" Everything goes still. A gust of cool air greets me as the doors open.

The nurse blinks at me. "What are you grinning for?"