The Admission

Hope's Admission

Have you ever had the sense that you are a horrible person … or bad spouse? I am definitely a bad person and a bad wife. I mean sure I didn’t have a lot of practice since we were only two months in the marriage but shouldn’t we still be in some honeymoon phase right now?

How did one even define the honeymoon phase?

How do you even love someone else when you couldn’t even love yourself?

And then there is the fact that I was a bad Jesus girl.

How can I be in church and instead of fully engaging in worship, I couldn’t wait to sit down so I could get my phone out and read a book?

Yep, I am in church, and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and read a book … even during the time when I should be engaging in worship, and praising God.

I promise I am saved…though sometimes I wonder…

Honestly, my life is a mess right now, and I should definitely be giving it all to the Lord and asking Him to save me from the mess I made.

But no, I want to read a novel…

And now would be the best time to do it too, before my husband comes in and takes his seat. I definitely did not want him to catch me reading a book in church.

God knows I am mess, and there is no hiding my wretchedness from Him, but maybe it would be wiser to get on my husband’s good side?

It had been days since my husband had been home, and when he had left, he had been pretty angry at me.

I could vividly remember the night we fought, and I could almost smell the stench of the meal I had burnt that night clinging in the air around us …and let tell you, it hadn’t been the first meal I had burnt that week. The house itself had been a disaster as all the dirt that had accumulated since the previous Sunday was now visible to the naked eye.

Tinashe had always been a little bit of a neat freak and a germaphobe so we usually kept the house super clean and top notch. But when the cat wasn’t around…

There was way too much junk lying around everywhere.

The kitchen sink was a disaster as it was overflowing with dishes that had been piling up since the day he had left for his conference in Kariba. He had been away for all of three days, and short of arranging the dishes nicely and removing any extra food on them, I still hadn’t washed them.

I hadn’t done a lot of things since the day he left and I had promised myself I would do it all before he came back. I had gotten distracted though, to the point of burning another meal.

I had been sloppy this time, failing to cover my tracks and that day Tinashe decided to let me know how he really felt about my behavior over the three weeks that led to that day.

He even shouted at me, something he rarely ever did, because I had had the audacity to act like nothing was wrong. I had fumbled over my words looking for the best lie to hide my problem but I hadn’t been successful as I was unable to lie straight to his face.

I didn’t blame him for being angry, but the ever-constant guilt and shame had increased with each word he said.

 As he kept shouting at me I wondered if there was anything I could say in my defense. Well, obviously there is a lot I could say but maybe not the truth? He was right in thinking that I have not been completely honest with him and have been hiding something from him all this time.