i wonder if you know
that this is as loud
as i'll ever be.
i will not ever tell you the way my heart skitters and stops
when you come around.
i'm not one to bring parades
down a hallway.
the most you'll get is quiet eye contact
and smile smiles.
i'll shyly hold an umbrella up for you during a storm,
but i'll never kiss you underneath it.
because that's not what you want,
and that's okay.
but i promise,
if you ever change your mind,
you'll see the corners of my eyes turn into smiles,
and the beauty marks on my hands and neck
turn into little Xs
to mark with your fingers and lips.
i'll watch boats sail across the sunset in your eyes.
i'll buy you ice cream.
erm, more than i do now.
i'll do other cheesy shit.
if i could do anything to make you smile,
i promise i would.
that's why i'm hiding, beautiful.
i know you read these in the small hours of the morning
when everyone's gone
and there is no hard evidence that someone loves you left.
i know you read these when your heart aches
and your beautiful eyelids droop
to hide an exasperated, but beautiful, soul.
i'm not writing these for me, darling.
there would be no use.
i've re-written these ten thousand times in my brain
while softly biting my lip and pretending to lapse into
some dumb daydream.
in some ways, i was.
but i'll be damned if i don't know there's some alternate reality
where you walk in to meet me and kiss me hard on the lips.
maybe i'm wrong.
that's happened before (though, very rarely).
maybe i have no chance.
that's fine, as long as i can still see your smile.
but you cannot blame me for having a stubborn heart.
you cannot blame me for wanting to listen to your dreams.
you cannot blame me for wanting to hold you when you cry.
you cannot blame me for looking in your eyes
and thinking "oh, so that's what Neruda was on about."
things that have never made me cry
have moved me to tears since i met you.
there's a certain thing with the human heart.
