"I love him, but I need to let him go."
"I'm the one with him, but he's looking for someone else. I'm the one who makes him smile, but he's the one who makes me happy. I'm the one he needs... but not the one he loves."
I am Ellie Tan, the girl who loved everything, but in the end, lost.
"Bam, hold tight. Because we're about to fly!" As if on cue, he drove the motorbike down the road. Because of the speed of his running, my hug tightened around his waist.
He was right, it seemed like we were flying down the road. He has no fear of running. He just seemed to be playing while passing the cars in front of us.
"Bam, slower!" I shouted, hitting his shoulder softly.
But instead of slowing down a bit, he just sped up. It's like my stomach is turning upside down, I'm nauseous. Because honestly, I'm not used to going fast. I'm especially not used to riding a motorbike because I get dizzy. But Dave likes to go on road trips with his motorbike. So when he invited me, I didn't hesitate to come.
He took me to the top of the mountain where the entire view of the city can be seen. Even after I got off the motorbike, I was still weak. I am so exhausted with our ride. I feel like my spirit just left my body.
"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly then handed me bottled water.
I accepted it and quickly drank it. It's very windy where we are now, so that somehow makes me feel less bad.
I heard Dave's soft laugh. I looked at him.
"What's so funny?" I asked stutteringly.
"You're just funny. It's like you're riding a motorbike for the first time." He was still laughing.
Yes, this is not the first time I rode his motorbike. And it's not the first time that my stomach turned because of his speed.
"Eh, you're even happy every time I fly the motorbike on the road. You even slap my shoulder because you want me to go faster."
That's when I was stunned by what he said. I can't remember a single time that I was happy every time he flew the motorbike. I especially don't remember hitting his shoulder because I wanted him to run faster. I suddenly felt a pain in my chest.
I'm not the girl he's referring to.
"Perhaps you are referring to another woman?" I tried to sound like a joke even though I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. He didn't react to what I said. Instead, he just smiled as he looked into the distance. "The view here is really nice, what?" he said. "Yes," I answered. "Do you remember? I confessed my feelings to you right here." The earlier pain in my heart disappeared, it was replaced by a pain like being run over by a ten wheeler truck, crushed to pieces. He was still referring to another woman. I don't remember him confessing his feelings here. I don't even remember if he confessed to me. He just told me that I was his girlfriend. I didn't even try to court him. I don't want to ruin his happy moment while reminiscing about his past with the girl he loves the most, but I can't stay in this place anymore. The place where he has many memories of his former girlfriend, who obviously, still loves him, is suffocating. Even if he doesn't tell me, I feel it. I'm the one with him, but he has something else in mind. "Seo Jun is pathetic, isn't he? He was with Ju Kyeong but he still chose Su Ho," Dave commented one afternoon while we were watching a Kdrama in his apartment. We sat side by side on the long couch. I was leaning on his chest while one of his hands was around me. The feeling of this position is so good, I didn't realize that I fell asleep. I just woke up because someone was shaking me. "Mmm?" I sat down. He frowned at me. "You cheated, you put me to sleep. You can't sleep every time we watch Kdrama because we both like to watch it." I was stunned by what he said. Is he the one you see in me now? "When did I like to watch Kdrama? I prefer Cdrama," I said. He looked startled. It was like he only realized what he said then. "Do you love me?" I asked when he still didn't answer. I didn't get an answer from him again. 'There's the pain in my chest again.How difficult is my question for him not to answer immediately? He smirked before saying, "I need you. I need you by my side, Ellie."
He answered me sincerely. That made me smile. Even if that's not the answer I'm looking for, that's okay. During the five months of our relationship, he always answered my question 'Do you love me?' is 'I need you in my life, Ellie.' I have learned to be satisfied with such an answer. The answer I heard was negative. It's okay for me to know that he needs me in his life, even if he doesn't love me.
"Bam, let's watch Kdrama again-" he couldn't continue what he was saying. "Cdrama only?" he asked enthusiastically.
I took a deep breath. I put the sponge and plate I was washing then faced him.
"Bam, I know you're not a fan of Cdrama. Just watch the Kdrama you like. I'll just finish what I'm doing." I faced the washing again then continued washing.
But I was slightly startled when I felt his arms wrap around my waist from behind. I almost dropped the plate I was holding.
"Bam!" I looked at him.
"I'm sorry. I know I hurt you with what I said." His voice is not as soft as it is now. Then I couldn't stop myself from giving in to him. This is my weakness, his tenderness. That even if I see him kissing another woman, just one tenderness and hug from him, I'm okay again. I'm broken, aren't I?
