You x haise.
"Every time I trust someone, they show me why I shouldn't."
"I think that I'm actually afraid to be happy, because whenever I am, something bad always happens."
I'm aware of the choices I've been making, I know exactly how it will turn...
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It's always been like this... I'm pathetic... "I kissed him!" "That's... great..." I'm a complete idiot. "You're such a bother." "Oh, sorry..." It's not like I'm ignorant. "I know you like him too but, can you ask him what he thinks about me?" "Of course... It's obvious he likes you..." I know it was wrong. "Tell him that I wanna talk again!" "A-alright..." I honestly can't help myself sometimes. "I'm such an idiot! How could I have said that?" "No, it's my fault... all of it..." Most times... "Why are you crying?" "I'm such a terrible person..." I blamed myself. I've always been this way, ever since I was little. The guilt always got to me, even if I had nothing to do with it. I've lived this way for most of my life already, I felt at fault for another's misfortunes. I was never really able to do anything about it, if I were to see someone upset on account of their own actions, I'd simply tell them that it was my fault... and they would agree. I'm well-known for being a pessimistic person. That is something I am constantly told, whether it be at school or my own home. It was something I couldn't help, being talked down to for a majority of my life has drastically changed my perspective on the world and life itself. I couldn't help but look at the negatives of everything, even of the littlest things. I no longer question the reason people dislike me. I understand if most prefer to stay away, or to put me down even more for my thoughts. I don't really care if I'm always alone in my room, depressed or crying myself to sleep, as long as those around me are happy, I'm okay with this... I'm okay... I know I have no right to cry about this, I did all these things willingly, they were my choices. I know I shouldn't do this, most people don't deserve this, having someone be there to take on all their responsibilities, with no one to take their own. The only thing they end up learning is that I'm a person willing to get hurt for them. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I'm constantly taken advantage of by others, I make it clear that I'm okay with that. I would be lying if I said there was never a time when I had enough of everything, a time where I wanted to just end it all and just be done with it. I have gone through many years full of tears and let downs, over the most pitiful things. I well understood the fact that others didn't have what I had, that I should never take anything for granted. But there was always the same two questions on my mind, ever since I was little. Why do I care? Is it wrong to ask for acknowledgement? These things never left my mind, they always emerged whenever I was doing someone a favor, taking care of their problems while getting nothing in return other than a false friendship. I am also the biggest hypocrite, my stupidity really was a pain to have. After being hurt by my friends, I'll decide to never open myself up ever again, to never trust a person. In the end, I always tell my new friends all my problems, and they eventually end up using that against me. It was the same cycle, year by year, I had already grown accustomed to it; to my short comings. It was never someone forcing me to do all this, it was all my fault... It was my choice, mine alone...
