To Be A Warrior

Chapter 66: Missing You

I hum softly, rocking a sleeping Adora in my arms. The toddler has had a long morning of running around, playing with blocks and reading with Phineas, and an even longer afternoon  doing those same things with me. Although I couldn't read much. My voice is a bit too raw from crying for the past three days to really talk much. Sam suggested playing with the kids after finishing my morning shift to help ease my mind over what's just happened.

It hasn't helped. I think Sam only suggested that since he's upset, and he knows if I see him upset then I'll get even more upset.

All those people... to watch all of them die when we were so close to saving them, and for them to turn to V-Types. It worsens our situation all together. Innocent people are dead, the V-Type army has grown, the Exmoore Militia's morale has tanked, and it feels like everything is just... wrong.

"I'm so confused, God," I whisper, my voice wavering. "I thought we were making progress. I thought this was a way out, a step forward and now... What are we supposed to do?"

I try not to ask Him why He allowed this, because that's not really the case. This happened because we have free will and that Rider used his to hurt innocent people. I know that. But it's so hard. It's hard to remind myself this wasn't God's doing when I feel so small and helpless.

"I don't know what we're going to do next," I choke. "I'm upset. I'm scared. It hurts. I need you to show me what to do." A sob leaves my lips, and I do my best to muffle it as to not wake Adora. "Show me what to do, please."

A few tears slip from my lashes, running off my face to splash on my arm. I know deep down we'll move on, like we always do. We must survive, but this kind of loss still stays with us. It lingers. The knowledge of how we were so close, how if we would have been just a bit faster...

The guilt is overwhelming.

I've been told by multiple people that it wasn't my fault, or Milo's or anyone else who was on the mission. It's the Rider's fault. But it still hurts because I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save them and now many people are dead. Children are without parents. Men and women are now widows and widowers. People on the Undaunted who had been waiting years to come back to their family members now have no one.

It's painful, and horrible, and I just want to make things better, but I know I can't. So I'm left to suffer, and I hate it.

It's selfish to just think of my pain. I can only imagine how Jules must feel. Colonel Sage is doing everything he can to help. I think he feels guilty too, for not making it to the front in time to warn everyone. I think he's trying to make up for it, which is strengthening his relationship with the Exmoore Militia. I know he'll be helping them settle and will then be trying to work out how to get back on the talks of peace and efforts against the V-Types. Their army probably grew by hundreds because of what happened at the celebration.

They become smarter the more of them there are, and now we have to worry like we did before with the numbers continuing to rise.

If it keeps rising, we won't stand a chance. I look down at Adora, who's still out like a light. If we don't stop the V-Types, then she won't get a chance to grow up.

"Please be like your brother," I whisper. "Please be like Phineas and like origami and chinchillas and-and reading and gardening. I'll even be okay if you like to set things on fire. Just don't grow up and say you want to be a runner."

Milo's birthday was ruined. Valentine's Day was ruined. It was supposed to be a good day and it ended up with everyone traumatized and grieving. Milo's seen death before. He's been a runner for two years and has gone on missions with me, and some of them didn't end well.