Feeling Something

Chapter 15

Reader's POV:

I wrung my hands together in my lap, avoiding the question that was just asked; it was a stupid and pointless question.

"How are you feeling today?" I understood that Tammy was just doing her job, and questions like that were necessary in order to get to the root of the problem, but wasn't it kind of obvious? Usually, I would respond with something like; "You're the professional, you figure it out." But Tammy seemed like such an innocent soul, it hardly seemed fair.

Instead I just shrugged my shoulders, because that was a question I never knew the answer to. I was so used to just switching my feelings and emotions off, so when I was presented with that question; searching for the answer was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I could hear the faint sound of pen to paper as Tammy took note. Another aspect I hated about therapy, I felt like I was a test project.

A heavy silence filled the room, but I could hear the dull sound of the clock ticking away, and I watched, transfixed as it counted down the minutes. My gaze then shifted to the door. You can leave if you want, but my ass stayed put, leg jiggling nervously; a tic I'd inhabited when I was younger.

"So, Dr Staple told me why you're in here and the gist of what happened.." my head snapped up at the mention of the older woman's name, but just as quickly my head hung in shame, and I stared blankly at my entwined hands; balling the sleeves of my sweater into clenched fists as though protecting the scars on my wrists; both past and present, from any passing judgment.

"I know you've already spoken with Dr Staple about why you did what you did.." her voice was soft and comforting, without being patronising, and I noticed the way she refrained from the mention of suicide or self harm. Almost like it would trigger me if addressed directly.

"But would you like to talk about it now, with me?"

I remained silent, the events of that night flashing through my mind like a strike of lightning. Tammy took my silence as a no thank you, and proceeded to scribble something down in her notepad before fixing her gaze on me once more and saying; "I understand you might not feel comfortable divulging that information, having just met me, but I'm here to help you."

I chewed on my lower lip nervously, another habit I'd developed at an earlier stage in my life. I felt slightly guilty that I was hesitant to open up to Tammy when she was so clearly trying to help me. I had only just met her, but then again why did I feel so comfortable talking to Ellie about everything within the first half hour of us meeting? Maybe because it was harder to hide behind the fragile state I was in, she could physically see my failed attempt of suicide. She witnessed my distress as I bawled like a baby. More importantly she understood, seeing with her own eyes the kind of woman my mother was. It was harder for me to hide things that she already knew existed.

It was almost like this woman was inside my head when she broached the subject and softly asked; "Would you like to talk about your mother?" I stilled my movements, subtly wiping my clammy hands on my thighs. I still wondered if Tammy was a mother. She looked like the kind of woman who dealt with scraped knees, and monsters hiding under the bed on a daily basis.

My eyes flickered up to see if she was wearing a wedding ring; she wasn't. "Do you have kids?" I asked, my eyes finally meeting hers. That's what I did, answered a question with a question. It was a way of detecting their true motives. If they weren't willing to answer the question, then why should I?

There was a hint of confusion evident on her face, and for a moment I thought she was going to dismiss my question responding with something along the lines of; we're not here to talk about me. Just like past therapists had done. But she didn't, instead she leant back in her chair, features softening as a small smile tugged at her lips. Almost like she knew I needed the confirmation in order to trust her.

"I do.." Her smile grew wider with pride and I waited for her to elaborate. "A boy and a girl. Lucy just turned 8, and Oscar is almost 6." My own lips stretched out into a tiny smile as I nodded my head softly.

A hint of glee washed over her face, not in an arrogant way, but happy at the fact she had gotten me to speak. It might not have been the direction she was going, but it was still something. I did trust her a little more now, a brief thought crossing my mind; not everyone is out to hurt you.

"Do you love them?" I asked hesitantly. That question should never be one a mother should feel obligated to answer. The answer should be obvious. Why would anyone choose to bring a child into the world and then treat them so terribly? Causing the child to lay awake at night questioning what they did to deserve such poor treatment from someone whose duty was to love and protect them.

"Of course I do.. more than anything." She tilted her head to the side, watching me intently. She understood why I asked that particular question. It was more about my mother not loving me, rather than the love that Tammy offered her own children.

"You would never do anything to hurt them?" Even though I'd only known her for 5 minutes, I knew she was the best mother that she could be. The typical picture perfect one I read about in storybooks and saw in movies when I was younger. The kind of mother I'd dreamt of having. Just like that, I'd unlocked a memory hidden amongst trauma from my childhood years.

"You were a mistake, I should have aborted you the minute I found out I was pregnant."

My head bowed, cheeks damp with tears, and unaware of what "aborted" meant at just 4 years old; I apologised once more for losing control of my bladder and wetting the bed in fear of the monstrous nightmare that was the cause of my urine soaked bedsheets and pyjama pants.

"Sorry won't fix the mistake of giving birth to such a horrible child." Then just like that I was left alone to clean up my own mess, whilst my mother locked herself in her bedroom with only a bottle of vodka for company.

"Y/n?" The soft lilt of Tammy's voice pulled me from my memory and I was unsure how long my mind had wandered off. My vision had blurred slightly and I batted my eyes frantically willing myself not to cry. "Where did you go?" She then asked, and I lifted my gaze to meet hers once I had contained my emotions.

"Nowhere." I shook my head, not feeling confident enough to replay the memory for her. My eyes drifted over towards the clock, realising I hadn't been in there as long as I thought. "I think I'm done for today." I stood from my seat and Tammy followed. I still had another half hour of therapy but I just had to get out of there.

I thought she was going to try and persuade me to stay, but she just smiled sweetly at me, nodding her head once. "Ok y/n. If you do want to talk about anything.." she trailed off and I nodded my head, thanking her quietly before hurrying out of the room.

I exhaled slowly, allowing my head to fall back against the wall, welcoming the few tears that glided down my face. I gave myself a moment for the walls of safety I'd built up around me, to come down; my lip trembling slightly as a few more tears fell. Nobody was around to see this side of me, or so I thought.

"You'll get used to it." A familiar, raspy voice sounded from beside me and I quickly wiped away my tears, bringing the walls back up around me. I craned my neck in time to see Sally emerge from the shadows, an apathetic look on her face.

I offered her somewhat of a sad smile as she approached me, close enough that her strong, musky perfume began to invade my senses.

"You look like you could use a drink." She stated, sauntering past me and down the hall. She got halfway before turning back to face me, a smirk dancing on her plum painted lips. "You coming or what?"

I never drank, not after seeing the effects it had on my mother. But I needed a distraction, and one drink wouldn't hurt, right? I sighed, following Sally back towards her bedroom.

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Hi everyone! I'm on a roll with my updates this week! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Also, I was unsure of the names and ages of Tammy's children in oceans 8 so I just made them up, hehe! Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts!
~T ♡~