Retrograde▸bucky barnes

11. Lilith

"Sorry I'm late," Lena said, her purse cascading onto the couch, upending itself and spilling its contents everywhere. "Shit," Lena continued as the various other objects she had been holding hit the floor.

Dr. Raynor raised an eyebrow at Lena's state of disarray, waiting impassively until Lena had righted her purse and taken a seat on the couch.

"You seem a bit ah- chaotic today?" she started.

"Just got back from Switzerland. Less than an hour ago."

"I see. And what were you doing in Switzerland? Does it have anything to do with the bruising on your face?"

"Um-looking into something for an old friend," Lena said, reactively reaching up to touch the deeply discolored bruise.

"Does this old friend have a name?"

"Torres. Joaquín Torres."

"I see. And isn't this the kid from way back before the Blip. And who is still deployed?"
"Yes..."

"And this wouldn't have anything to do with the news of, let's see," she paused, scrolling through her tablet, "ah yes, The Flag Smashers?"

"Potentially?"

Dr. Raynor sighed, "I thought you were not going to engage yourself with everyone's business in this century anymore?"

"But Torres called me. And I perpetually owe him-"

"For?"

"He was there for me when no one else was."

"I see," Dr. Raynor stayed quiet for a minute, "How did it feel to be back in a combat situation? To really use your powers?"

Lena had been expecting a berating, not interest in her adventure.

"Uhm, good?"

"You've said before that you usually don't use them at all, except for little household things?"

"Yeah, drying my hair, heating up water. Stuff like that."

"How did it feel to use them as they were intended?"

Lena frowned, disliking the phrasing."I think I would prefer not to think of using them as they were intended ," she said flatly.

Dr. Raynor nodded as if seeing her misuse of words, "I understand. But I mean more in the context of using them because they are inherently a part of you. That hiding them from the world is being a bit inauthentic to yourself."

"I don't want people to know about them for that exact reason. Because they are always associated with the things I have done in the past, with Lilith."

"Tell me about Lilith. You never speak of her. Or how she got her name."

Lena frowned at the suggestion but did not feel the usual mental block she normally did when discussing her brainwashed alter ego.

"Lilith was the name given to me shortly after they figured out how to control me in the late forties. With what they then associated as fae-like powers it only seemed fitting that I be given a name that referenced a fairy-like demon spirit. Mostly because I was generally considered quite nasty, both when not on mission and because of the methods I used on missions."

"Thank you for sharing, you've been...how do I say this, hesitant to do so before."

"Because Lilith is not who I am anymore. She's gone."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss and acknowledge the effect she had on your life-"

"She is my life. I was her for so long I don't know anyone else. So I want to forget her. Start over."