Retrograde▸bucky barnes

29. Goodbye

Lena choked out a sob as the reality hit her: the man she loved most in the world had assassinated her family - her in-laws, her nieces, her husband Edmunt, her little brother.

Her knees buckled and she hit the cobblestones. Bucky reached to catch her, but she sent a spark of energy at him, one that crackled up his arm in a way that a little part of her brain felt sorry about.

Sobs wracked her body now and all Bucky could do was stand there and watch the love of his life break because of something he had done.

"And what about Magnolia?" Lena said looking up, her face stricken.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I'm sorry Lena. It's fuzzy. The whole memory is. But I don't remember-"

"You don't remember if you killed my little girl?" Lena spat.

Bucky closed his eyes, letting the memory flood his mind. With Edmund's face fresh in his mind the memory came back clearer than it had ever been. The memory was more painful than it had ever been too, now knowing who these people really were - that these people loved Lena just as much as he did.

"I don't think she was there. I don't think I'd ever seen her before today."

Lena hiccuped and Bucky had to resist dropping to his knees to cradle her in his arms.

"Are you sure?" her voice asked, the sound quiet and strained.

"No," Bucky whispered and wished he could be sure. For a brief moment, he almost wished he could give her closure. But he couldn't. And he was grateful that he couldn't. Because maybe, just maybe, she was alive out there.

Lena looked up at him and Bucky recognized the glimmer of hope behind her eyes. It seemed to flash on her face for half a moment before disappearing, "If she was alive, I'd know."

"How-"

Lena sprung to her feet, anger rolling off her in waves. The air was heavy with an electricity that Bucky imagined would erupt in spontaneous flames if he got too close.

"You think I haven't looked everywhere?" she said, her voice rising, "I've spent months in libraries and on the internet searching for even a trace of her. For any of them. But there's nothing."

Lena shook her head as tears began to fall again. She glared at him, a sardonic smile on her face, "There was too much nothing. I should have known it was HYDRA. The Fleming family wouldn't have disappeared like that if HYDRA hadn't been involved."

"Lena-"

"Don't!" Lena hissed as she held up her hand, "After everything Bucky. I can't do this. I can't have this conversation with you. Not now. Not ever."

And Bucky knew she was right. This was the end.

"You forgave me for trying to kill you," Bucky whispered as he took a step towards her, "but I don't expect you to forgive me for this."

Now that he was closer, he could feel the heat that she really was emitting, the air around her nearly glowing with power. He almost expected her to shove him away, to scorch him with the violent energy that surrounded her, but she didn't.

"It wasn't you Bucky," she started, her voice quivering, "But it was still you. That's the thing. It was still you."

"I know."

He looked down at her with a pained expression, wishing that they could have been just two normal people who met in a coffee shop over spilled coffee. He thought back to that day, remembering how he had thought she had looked familiar but he could not place where from.

"I'm sorry Lena-" he started.

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault," she snapped.

"But I still did it-"

"You're right," she said, looking at him gravely, "It was. I'm standing in front of the man who not only tried to kill me, but also murdered my family. My entire family. They were children."

By the look on his face, Lena thought that perhaps she was taking it too far. She of all people knew the horrible things HYDRA had made him do and the strength it took to keep on living with the knowledge that he had done them. But she found she didn't care.

"I should have trusted my gut the first time, Bucky. That morning months ago - when I realized who you were. I should have listened and never spoken to you again."

She paused, willing her powers to settle and not light something on fire. "Goodbye Bucky. Goodbye for real this time."

Lena turned on her heel and walked away. She did not look back.

­­­­­------

The moment her apartment door was closed behind her, Lena collapsed onto the floor, sobs wracking her body.

"How is any of this real?" she thought. After everything, after everything she had been through, how was it possible that the person she loved most in the world was responsible for killing her family. It made a sick sort of sense she realized – a cruel joke from the universe that had tied them together for better or worse– but it seemed to mostly be for the worse.

The flowers that Bucky had bought her glared from the kitchen table and Lena shot up and grabbed them, pitching them across the room where the mason jar shattered, sending shards of glass flying around the room. That was how she felt – like a thousand tiny pieces shattered and scattered, impossible to put back together.

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a/n: so so very close to finishing this fic after this great eternity its taken to get here. stay tuned for the final couple chapters and let me know your thoughts <3