open when | malum

when you're scared

"i'm catching feelings for you, calum."

"how come?"

michael only shrugged, not knowing the answer.

"you don't have to like me back. i'd rather not have you at all than force you into something you don't want," he replied, not exactly answering the boy's question.

michael closed his eyes and mumbled something under his breath, probably to ashton, and stood up.

"i'm going home. wanna come over?" he casually asked, reaching out his hand for calum to hold. the younger lad nodded, but ignored the gesture and got up, waving at ashton and headed to the gate.

he didn't want to hurt michael's feelings by not holding his hand, but didn't want to give him false hope either. he just couldn't make himself love him. of course, he liked the boy, but not the way he liked him.

they didn't talk on their way home, their arms lightly brushing when they had to make room for other people on the pavement. and that little touch caused goosebumps on their skin, but calum didn't understand it. they used to touch each other in non-sexual way, but he never got such a feeling.

"can we stop by my place, please?" calum quietly asked, fiddling with his fingers. of course michael agreed and took a turn, stopping in front of the familiar house.

"i'll wait here."

calum nodded and quickly walked into his room, packing some stuff like clothes, toothbrush and wallet. he stuffed it in his bag, stopping by the box. one certain word caught his attention.

open when you're scared.

he hid it in the bag, deciding on opening it on his way back from michael the following day.

not even ten minutes later they were sitting on michael's bed, waiting for the game to load.

"i'm sorry i cannot return your feelings," calum whispered, but deep inside he knew it wasn't exactly true. he kept thinking about michael being someone more than just a friend to him, and he liked the idea. only the thought of ashton kept him away from fully acknowledging his emotions.

"i shouldn't have told you anyway. i fucked up our friendship."

the word friendship hurt michael, of course he wanted, needed to have calum love him, but it was way too much to ask for. he should be thankful for being friends with him and stop acting as a baby wishing for something he can't have.

"no, you didn't. you just... surprised me."

"and fucked up our friendship."

calum sighed and paused the game, making michael frown.

"i do like you, probably more than just a friend, but it was so sudden. you know how i feel about love thing after ashton."

his words made michael curse his actions. he should have thought about it. it was way too early for calum to even think about a new relationship, let alone with someone he's been friends with for years.

"don't quit on me, okay? let's take baby steps and see what happens," calum smiled encouragingly and that actually gave michael hope. he was more than happy to try it with calum, letting it roll in its own pace.

*

next time they went for a walk was a bit stressful for both of them. michael's hand was itching to hold calum's, and calum was too scared to take a step himself. he didn't want to bluntly go for it, even though they used to hold hands casually, now finding a way to do it.