Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts,
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie,
I love the way you lie,
. . . . . . . . .
Leave, they said. Get away.
Save yourself.
I didn't.
Then it got worse.
Instead of hitting walls, he hit me. Instead of throwing things, he threw me. And he did it, over and over again, and then he broke me.
One day, I gave in.
One day, I stopped breathing.
One day, I died, and I never lived again.
The pain at times seemed unbearable, but I deserved it all, even when I couldn't stand it, I pushed through. But with death there was nothing to push, it was exactly that: nothing. So when did it turn from torture, to nothing?
When did I fall apart once and for all?
When is the question I gave my life to.
August 7th, 2009
Sean slapped me today.
He apologized immediately, his face softened and he pressed his hand to my cheek. Then he kissed the tear that slid from my left eye and held me.
We fought about my friend, Mark, and how I had hung out with him rather than Sean. Something petty, but then it turned aggressive.
I told him he was clingy, that I had a life too, to let me be.
So he hit me.
Februrary 13th, 2010
It's the day before Valentine's Day.
Sean still hits me, more often than usual. He calls me names, tells me I'm a whore, that I don't deserve him. I can't help but think I deserve it. The bruises, the scratches, the cuts, I deserve it, every single one. I don't know how to explain it to you, it's just right. And he's the only one that would ever love me like this.
I'm a monster, and I deserve every bit of pain I recieve.
December 31st, 2010
I'm trying to remember what it was like.
Before the abuse.
I'm trying to remember if he told me he loved me, or if we ever held each other.
I can't remember, and I think that scares me the most.
Tomorrow is 2011. It's unknown and maybe something will change. Maybe he'll tell me he loves me.
I don't have a resolution. I don't remember what having one is like.
Everything feels so strange and new.
He told me to go out with Alicia today so no one would suspect. So I did. Then she saw the bruises on my chest and my concealer smudged on my cheek. She thinks she understands, she thinks she knows how to help.
But nobody does.
June 20th, 2011
Alicia came over today. Luckily, Sean wasn't home and couldn't hurt her. She talked to me, helped me ice the bruises, and gave me some phone numbers for help lines.
After she left, I threw them away though.
I didn't need help from a stranger. From anyone.
Nobody understands, even when they think they do.
Sean still loves me, that's why he's here. He's the only person that could ever love me. I'm lucky to have him.
November 8th, 2011
It's gotten worse, monumentally worse.
Suffocation.
I have bruises around my throat, ones that could only be made by hands, Sean's hands.
Alicia's been telling me to go to the police, to run away, escape, do whatever I can to leave.
I've been considering it though.
What if he kills me? I know I deserve pain, but this? What if it's too much?
I'm thinking about it, I can't help it anymore. What if there's better? But then again, what if there isn't?
I'm thinking, and I can't stop.
January 28th, 2012
I can't leave, I'm trapped and I'm terrified.
He knew.
He knew I was thinking about it, maybe he saw it on my face.
He told me if I ever dared to leave he'd kill me, and he wouldn't think twice.
I'm terrified and I don't know how much longer I can last.
In the beginning it was bearable but now, now I'm breaking.
I'm scared and I'm stupid.
I should have escaped when I could.
My face is bruised and bloody and I'm dying.
I'm dying.
And nobody is going to save me.
May 6th, 2012
I'm on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my blood.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
If I don't die now, it'll be tomorrow, or the next day. But either way, I'll be dead.
I can't believe I let myself stay here.
There was so much in the world to love, so much to see, and it's gone.
It's just been pulled out from underneath me like a rug my feet are planted on. I missed everything. I had my chances to leave and I didn't take them.
So here I am in a puddle of blood, and it was my own pathetic fault for ending up here.
Goodbye, pain. Goodbye, tears. Goodbye, misery. Goodbye, dear.
