Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me, now tell me, now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
[more]
Oh the reason I hold on
Oh 'cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving
+.+.+.+
I was always scared.
Of spiders, of heights, of going unnoticed, of being overly attached. Of you not loving me.
Fear ran my life at times. It grabbed the wheel and took me in the other direction when I least expected it. It sabatoged most of my life that I wanted to continue. I was scared of being scared. I was scared of everything it had done to me, everything it had done to my world. I was so preoccupied with my fears of that day that I barely even noticed you.
I didn't even say hi to you first. You did that, thank god. I didn't say I love you first either, that was you too. And sure, you were the man. But I felt like the child. And soon our relationship was a circle, repeating endlessly, a track a sole runner followed. Then it became a marathon and everything felt boring. That made me scared.
It had been 10 months of us and I think you wanted to propose, but we were going in circles and I was terrified.
I was scared to commit to you, to rely on you, to begin on yet another journey with you, one that wouldn't end. I thought you'd leave me in the dust the moment I started to let you in. I started to distance myself even more, worried my fears would ruin everything once again, but they already were and I was too blinded to see it.
You started to notice me backing off, like any loving person would.
"Alice," you'd say, "Is everything alright?" And you'd have an eyebrow raised slightly and it was hard not to swoon, I was scared you'd find me nutty and leave.
"Of course," I'd smile and kiss you, making the blood rush from your brain to somewhere else, giving me a break for a moment or two.
But you'd pull away, you'd try harder, "Are you sure, babe?"
"Mason," a sigh would escape my lips but I'd smile anyway, "I promise you everything is ok. It's just work."
That was a lie though, it all was. I used one of the biggest clichès in the book and you knew. I was so scared of you giving up even though that's what I wanted. I loved you so much, and every day when you slept in too late, I'd just lay there with you and dwell on how lucky I was to find you that day, to break free long enough to notice. Too lucky.
I was so attached though, I forgot how to live without you, and it scared me. I kept wondering how I found a you surrounded by all the others, and why you chose a me when there were a hundred more. I didn't understand, and it kept me up at night while you slept with me in your arms.
"How was your day, babe?" You'd kiss me when you walked into the door, asking me about mine before I could, yours.
"It was good, and how was yours?" I'd wrap my arms around you and you'd return the favor, nuzzling your head into my hair.
"It's better now," your breath tickled my scalp and you'd kiss me again. murmuring I love you into the strands of my hair.
You were always there for me. When I'd wake up in the middle of the night because of the yelling couple next door, you'd pull me closer to you and whisper reassurements into my ear. You were magical, you could cure my temporary fears, and I loved you.
I loved you.
I was scared though. At times I couldn't even describe how I felt, I loved you so much, and I need you, but I thought if you saw that you would leave. Find me too needy and move on. I was scared of letting you in. I was scared of so much. You were new to me, everything was, and I didn't know what to expect or how to be. I only knew how to be scared.
Everything about you was perfect and I didn't know how to be anymore. I wasn't good enough, and I was going to lose you.
"Babe?" You said groggily one night, having just woken up and finding the spot next to you empty. I was sitting on the window sill staring out into the busy streets of San Francisco, watching the nightlife, how they lived, fearless, completely and utterly.
You blinked a couple of times to try to wake yourself up, and I heard you shrug off the covers, the floorboards creaking underneath your weight as you stood up.
You were only in your boxers, you always slept like that.
You walked over to the window sill and picked me up in your arms, sitting us both down on it, me in your arms, and you holding me.
"How are they so brave?" I whispered, snuggling further into you.
"What do you mean, Alice?" You murmured into my neck, but you were looking out the window too.
"How are they not scared of walking the streets at four in the morning? What about being mugged, or killed? Don't they care?" My eyes flickered from person to person, and there were enough to puzzle me.
"I don't know." You furrowed your eyebrows but didn't question me, "Maybe they have nowhere else to go, no other choice."
I was silent while I thought abou it, and you let me. "I'm sorry, Mason." I squeezed my eyes closed and took a deep, shuddering breath.
"What about?" You asked, your breath hot on the back of my neck.
"For waking you up." I whispered, and your arms tightened around me.
"I'd do anything for you, hon." You whispered back, kissing the back of my neck softly, "I love you."
"I love you too, Mason." I murmured, "I love you too."
We fell asleep on the window sill that night, just the two of us, together. We woke up the next morning with sore backs, but it was worth it. Because that night my fears flew out the window, and into the streets. They flew away, far, far away. They followed people, but didn't catch them. They traveled the sea, and didn't rest.
My fears flew away with the scent of cigarettes and sourdough bread.
And the next morning we woke up together, and I, knew.
The next morning I wasn't scared anymore, and that didn't scare me.
Not one bit.
