Life with 6 brothers *ON HOLD*

Chapter 6

Date: Saturday, September 4th (Part 2/2)

Bryce sets me down in his office and shuts his door. I am still weak so I slide down the wall next to the door. He crouches down to my level. I need comfort so I just fall into his chest crying. We stayed like that for a few minutes with him rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me down.

When I do calm down a little bit he pushes me softly off his chest so he could see my face and says, "Hey, Lex can you tell me what happened?"

"I...I went to the bathroom and when I came out I saw the Nursery. I just wanted to see the cute babies but I should have just come back to your office. I didn't realize I had to walk by the E.R. There...There was a woman that was mom's age that got hit by a car and she...she died," I say while trying to hold back the sobs that wanted to come out. I need to finish what I am saying so I take a deep breath and calm down a little bit.

I continue,"It reminded me of that night and I just kept replaying what happened over and over again. It wouldn't stop. I just wanted it to stop Bryce. I was thinking about how I missed mom so much but then I started thinking about how it was my fault and it should have been me who died. It should have been me. Why couldn't it of been me? Then you guys would have had a mom growing up. I'm so sorry."

At this point, I am crying so much that I can't talk anymore. I looked up at all of my brothers and they all had concern in their eyes but they also had tears. Except for Hunter, I can't even read the expression that is on his face. I made eye contact with him for a second but he broke it and walked straight out the door. I look back down at the ground. I can't bear to look at their faces anymore.

I hear Bryce say, "Lex can you please look at me."

I looked up at him.

"Lex, first there is no need for you to be sorry. Mom's death was not your fault. It was a drunk driver who shouldn't have been behind the wheel but unfortunately, he was and that was the cause of mom's death. You had nothing to do with it. Secondly, none of us would have been happy if you died that night. We would have been heartbroken that we lost our baby sister. Yeah, we wish mom didn't die but that's what happened and we can't change it. Thirdly, mom would have rather died than you. She saved you instead of herself because she loved you and wanted you to live a long full life. She wouldn't want you to wish that you were dead instead of her."

I know everything that he said was true and I knew this before he even said it but sometimes my negative thoughts just take over and I have to be reminded that they aren't true. However, I do sometimes think that it should have been me instead of my mom because my so-called birth father told me so but like I said before I don't want to tell my brothers that since they just see him as a weak man who broke when his wife died so they don't completely hate him just upset that he left. But I hate him and I don't want them to hate him. After all, he is their father.

"I know mom wouldn't have wanted me to die instead of her but Bryce I just miss her so much. I know it's been 5 years but It hurts every time I think about her. I just want to be able to remember happy memories with her and not break down crying."

It's true I can't remember any of my happy memories with her because it makes me upset. So I've just pushed it all away. I stopped playing softball because I missed her so much. I continued playing after she died because it made me feel closer to her but around the age of 12 I quit because it made me upset that I wasn't able to share the accomplishments I was making with her. I was actually a really good pitcher and my coach thought I was going to one day play for college. Guess that won't happen now. However, I do still play with my brothers in the backyard sometimes so I haven't completely stopped playing. Since Grayson is a catcher he likes for me and Hunter to pitch to him.

"Everyone grieves for a different amount of time. Personally, I think you pushed away your feelings and haven't dealt with them head-on until now. This was the first good step. It may take a while but eventually, you will be able to remember mom and not always want to cry and be upset."

"Thank you, Bryce. Honestly, I feel so much better after talking to you. I am sorry that I made you guys upset and worried about me."

Bryce pulls me into a hug and a few seconds later I feel three more arms wrap around me which must be Grayson, Jake, and Tyler.

"I love you guy's so much."

"We love you too."

After about a minute we all pull away and then I remembered.

"Where's Hunter?"

Hunter's POV:

I couldn't listen to her talk anymore so I had to walk out. I am so angry at myself for not knowing that she felt that way. I can't believe she wishes that she should have died instead of mom. As much as I do miss my mom I would never have wanted Alexis to die instead of my mom. She is my Twin and my best friend and I wouldn't be able to live life without her.

"Hunter," I was pulled out of my thoughts by someone saying my name. I look over to see that it's Alexis.

"What's wrong? Did I make you mad or something? I didn't mean to. I am sorry," She says looking sad and guilty.

I immediately say to her, "No no, you didn't do anything. I'm just upset at myself that I didn't realize for all these years that you wished you would have died instead of mom."

"Don't be mad at yourself for that. I kept my feelings inside because I didn't want anyone to know how I felt."

I walk over to her and say, "Alexis please don't ever hide how you are feeling from me. I want to be there for you. I am so glad that you didn't die that night because you are my twin, but most importantly you are my best friend and I wouldn't be able to live life without you."

I pull her into a hug.

"I wouldn't be able to live without you either, Hunter. I love you so much."