Valley of the Shadow

Chapter Three

    “Does Switchblade go on dates a lot?” Maria asked from the bedroom floor.

    “No.” Carmen replied flatly. "In fact, I think the last time he slept with somebody was probably before you were born."

    “Oh.” Maria said. If she was put off by her comment, she didn't show it. “Do you think that’s why he’s being so weird about it? Or do you think it’s maybe something else?”

    Carmen paused to put some mascara on.

    “I honestly have no idea. He’s weird about dating just like, in general.” She paused for a moment. “You know what? He’s just weird about everything, like in general.”

    Maria hummed softly and stood up. Carmen could hear her rummaging around in the closet and making small noises of annoyance every now and then. 

    “Are you going to get dressed?” Carmen asked. 

    Maria let out a resigned sigh. 

    “I  just- I don’t ever know what to wear.” She said. There was a smack as she let her arms fall dramatically against her sides. “I don’t ever look good in anything.”

    There was a wet, slick sound as Carmen put the mascara wand back into the tube. She stood up and walked over to stand behind Maria, wrapping her arms around her waist and squeezed her tightly. 

    “What do you mean? I think you look good in everything.” She said. She paused and ran her hands across Maria's stomach. "—And I think you look especially good in nothing."

         Maria squirmed in obvious discomfort. 

         "Things are just different now. I see things differently now." She said offhandedly.

        Carmen let go of her and frowned. That didn't sound good. 

        "I'm afraid I still don't understand. Are you okay?"
.  
       Maria walked over to the bed, and sat down, her large, brown eyes on the floor. She kicked her legs gently back and forth. 

     "When I was still in the church, all I had to do was focus on covering myself up as much as possible. It was like my body was innately sexual no matter what, and I was constantly trying to de-sexualize myself as much as possible for the benefit of others… but now…" 

She sucked in a tight breath.
 
"But it's different out in the world. Now that I finally let myself see myself like that, I can't help but compare myself to all the other women around me, and when I do that I start to realize that I don't really measure up. It doesn't help that I'm dating someone so much hotter than me either."

Carmen couldn't help but wince at her words. 

"Maria—"

"I don't know, I guess I just don't see myself as… inherently sexual anymore. It feels like the opposite. I'm not sexy enough." 

"I mean, do you want to be sexy to other people?" Carmen asked. "Or do you just want to feel sexy?"

Maria shrugged and glanced uncomfortably toward the ground.

"I dont know." She said. "I don't feel like I know myself at all, sometimes." 

Carmen wanted to reassure her somehow that those sort of feelings would go away in time. Truthfully, she knew that she still felt the same way from time to time. 

Lost, without an inherent identity. 

What was it that she had molded her identity around for all these years anyway? Being a vampire? Being bitter about what other people had done to her? Was that really knowing yourself?