A LOST BEAR

Sunday October 18th, 82 days before 18th birthday

^^^^Bear cuddles. Iago and his dad^^^^

"Iago? Can I ask you something?"

I look up from my book. Indy's settling himself in front of me in a large armchair in Mom's library where I'm curled up reading a book.

"Of course, Indy. You know you can ask me anything."

"Are you attracted to Nuka?" Indy holds up a hand quickly stopping any response I might have had. "I'm not trying to start a fight. I honestly want to know."

That's new.

Ever since Nuka asked me to be his tutor Indy has had a problem with him.

Neither of us can bring him up with out it becoming an argument.

Indy says he doesn't trust him, I say Indy is being judgemental and prejudice.

So maybe this is a good sign.

"Objectively, I can't deny he is aestetically pleasing, but personal attraction..." I shrug one shoulder because....

Well, I don't know anymore.

A month ago, I would have said no.

Now....

"I don't know Indy, the more I get to know him..."

Indy just waits.

He's patient with me.

He knows.

Despite all the books I've read and languages I know, when I have to express my own emotions,

I often find myself grasping.

"Maybe."

That's all I can come up with.

Logically, accedemically, I understand relationships and sex.

I've read textbooks and those books parents and teachers give you about discovering your body, puberty and sex.

Not to mention all the romance in literature and novels.

Mom has at least a hundred romance novels.

I've read them all.

They get very...... descriptive.

Plus, I have 5 brothers.

Barnaby and Brutus are not shy and like to brag.

But I've never experienced it personally.

I've never really felt attraction to someone before.

But sometimes I look at Nuka and I want to know what his hair feels like running through my fingers, if his skin is warm, or if his lips are as soft as they look.

Sometimes he'll smile or look at me and my heart will beat faster, and my stomach will flutter.

But then the feeling is gone.

It lasts longer every time it happens.

I don't even want to mention the blushing.

Fuck.

The blushing.

I'm not sure if this means I'm attracted to Nuka.

If this isn't attraction I don't know if I'll ever feel it.

Indy nods.

I know he understands why I'm shrugging. He's tried to describe how he feels when he's attracted to someone before but then he tells me its different for everyone.