In The End, Do I Deserve It? I Do

A Letter To The Man In The Stories

This story was written May 29, 2021.

This is not a story, this is factual.

Warnings for this story: domestic abuse, child abuse, self harm, suicidal ideation, suicide mention, mention of borderline personality disorder

Read at your own risk

Enjoy

~In The End Of The World

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Dear Man in the stories,

His first memory of a child is of you arguing with your mother. He was two years old when it happened. It had gotten out of hand and you took a glass statue of a giraffe and smashed it on the floor. His little sister was just learning how to walk. She almost stepped on the glass.

He was five years old the first time you told him that he shouldn't cry unless someone has died or someone was hurt. He was hurting, though. You were hurting him. But he listened. He stopped crying after that.

He remembers being six years old and telling you he was scared of you. He tried telling you that his yelling scared and hurt you. You said you would change. You didn't.

He remembers being dragged into his room by the wrists whenever you got really mad. He kept telling you you were hurting him. You didn't listen. You still say you've never laid a hand on him or his sister.

He remembers the first time he had a suicidal breakdown. He was in 6th grade. He was a child. Nobody questioned why he was feeling this way. Nobody realized it was you.

He remembers you taking his first dog whenever you were mad at him and slapping her until he heard her yipping. He noticed how she shied away from sudden movement after that.

He remembers being twelve years old the first time he realized that this was abuse. He remembers hearing his mother screaming for him from her closet, begging him to call the police as you beat her because you assumed that she was cheating on you. She wasn't. He didn't.

He remembers that being the first day he dismantled a razor and cut himself.

He remembers being led out of the apartment at 1:15 in the morning by his mother, who was terrified. Terrified that her husband was going to hurt her and her children. She told them to put the leashes on the dogs and to get down to the car. The three of them drove to the parking lot beside their apartment. You showed up minutes later, threatening to call the police. She drove around and met you in front of the building. He could smell the cigarette smoke on your breath. You yelled at them until 4:32 in the morning. The children had school that day.

He remembers cutting himself more frequently after that.

He remembers the day that CPS came to visit him at the school, asking him what was going on in the house. He told the honest truth, that he was scared. When they picked him up, his mother asked him if he told them anything. He said no. He lied.

He remembers his mother telling him that she took them out of the apartment that day because you hurt her that day. You took her head and slammed it into the couch. He recalled going to a local clinic because she said her nose hurt that day. She said she ran into a wall. He believed her before she told him.

He remembers you calling him to tell him that you read his Instagram messages and knew that he was queer. He told you it was true. You asked him what genderfluid meant. He explained. You told him that he wasn't a boy because he didn't like doing boy things. He didn't bring it up after that.

He remembers that that same day, you called his mother later that night, asking her which member of her family was a faggot. You also said that if he turned out to be a boy, you would file for divorce. He was scared after that.