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who am i without meaning? who am i without a purpose?
you asked yourself this again as you crawled your way to your bathroom floor. laying there contemplating if you're making the right decision. laying there thinking about the next steps of your life. you stared at your greyed-out low lights, the flickering stinging your eyes. seeing, searching to find an answer in them.
or just trying to blind yourself before you do anything stupid.
it's not like you didn't want to see bucky and make things rights. that's like the only thing you wanted to do. run up to him, apologize, and live happily ever after.
but this wasn't a fucking fairytale. you were sober, drained, mentally incapable of forming the right words to tell him how much he means to you. you felt like if you went right now, you would make a fool out of yourself and embarrass the hell out of yourself. the words were sounding right in your head, but the way you spit it out.
never sounded right.
"bucky, i'm sorry for what happened in virgina, i was just — bucky, you mean the world to me i — i love you, james barnes..."
"...fuck!"
you flipped yourself around on your belly, laying your hands on your chin, "i.....love...you...bucky...god, i sound so stupid." you jumped up from the floor. shaking off the chills you had, trying to wake yourself up from this depressive slumber.
you leaned on your bathroom counter, thinking about bucky's laugh, his voice, his face, the way he would scrunch his nose to hide his face from blushing. he perfections and imperfections that made him, him.
his body, his thighs, his tattoos, the way his voice would make you weak to your knees. making you tremble in fear and excitement, knowing whatever he did next would drive chills through your spine.
you shook your head, shaking the horny thoughts away. turning your body around to face your reflection. "alright, y/n, clean yourself up. and go over to his house and just tell him how you really feel and stay sober 'cause you'll do better that way," you spoke to your reflection and nodded like you were replying to yourself.
