as we walk ; geto suguru

Jinx

The nearest private establishment you locate is a single-room bathroom. You hook your hand around the metal handle and quickly lock the door before you slide down it holding your face in your hands. The loud wails and sobs echo throughout the bathroom and your body shakes, trying to process what had happened just a few seconds ago.

This was supposed to be a casual outing with your friends and your daughter.

But you instead got your ego crushed and you lost the trust of a good friend.

Where did it all go wrong?

You can feel your left forearm start to numb and feel almost prickly and your head spins. It doesn't take you long to realize you were spiraling into an anxiety attack, something that you haven't experienced in the last two years. Groaning painfully, you begin to breathe in deeply, trying to calm yourself. You're not sure how, but it works and small but shaky breaths leave you. The words of your old therapist ring in your mind and you find your eyes trying to identify five things you can see and four things you can feel.

There's the toilet, the sink, the faucets, the trash can, and the mirror...

The glint of the mirror catches your eye and you stand up to walk to it and look at your reflection.

You looked like Death himself.

Lathering your hands in soap, you move your face from side to side, inspecting it. You remove the hat that hides your features and you snort at your appearance. The skin that surrounds your eyes is puffy and there are tear-mark stains that drive down your cheeks. Your lips are cracked and dry, devoid of life and color. There's a bit of dried blood on them as well because of how hard you kept biting your bottom lip from the failed attempt to try and keep from crying. Your eyebags are prominent once again and you feel drained and tired.

Home is the first thing you crave. You want safety and familiarity back. You want to snuggle up next to Nanako as she falls asleep in your arms peacefully. You just want to sleep. You blink slowly at your reflection and watch as two tears slowly drip down your face and you wonder how long they were being held there considering there wasn't any tension on your face.

Two hands grip the side of the sink tightly. The pit of snakes inside you wants to be let out of their cage before they poison you with nausea. Your head is still spinning by the time you sit down on the toilet seat.

Your phone is pulled out and you quickly dial Nitta's number, needing a sense of hospitality.

She picks up swiftly and greets you with her usual "you left me on open!" until you interrupt her.

"Can I rant?"

Nitta stays silent for a few seconds until she gives you the approval and you spill.

You tell her everything. From the evening dining to the morning after the competition to what happened in Aisle 3 a few minutes ago. Frustration takes over your body and you can't help but let out a groan every five minutes when you rant through a tight throat, amazed how you haven't started crying. Nitta is pretty much quiet the entire time letting you carry the phone call but you know she's listening and thinking intently.

She finally asks you a question once your ranting is done. Though it's a genuine question, your brain makes it seem as if she was mocking you in a twisted sense though you knew Nitta would never do that, even if her life depended on it.

"But you weren't going to... y'know, with the guy, right?"

"No! Of course not," you mumble. "It was just a coincidence."

"Okay, good. I was genuinely scared for a second though."

"It's alright. I haven't done that in like, five or six years though. I don't plan to in the future, not when I have Nanako."