Vent book?

entry 1

I am not okay. I did not sleep last night and I feel very sick. I've been awake for far too long. I was supposed to be doing my homework and even now I am supposed to be doing my homework. I am having a panic attack I believe. I feel like throwing up, screaming, crying, all the works. I can barely breath and I feel like jello. On top of my panic my mom woke up upset again. She kept yelling and was very passive aggressive. She was late for work and worrying about silly things and then she suddenly screamed really loud and it made me jump really bad. I've been dissociating all morning and time seems to be going very slow yet very fast. I feel sick and I just want to go home. I want to just lay down and not wake up. Both my parents were in a foul mood this morning and my online friend wanted me to call them this morning but I said no because I didn't want to upset my parents further or get yelled at. Then they got upset with me and now they aren't talking to me and I don't know why. I want to cry. I could't tell my mom cause she would freak out on me if I asked to stay home. My dad might get really angry so I didn't even bother. Luckily I wasn't forced to go to class. I'm good friends with my schools guidance councilor so she said it was okay if I just do my work in the library today. I don't know what would've happened if I went to class. I probably would've cried and then just hid in the gender neutral bathroom until school was out. I am very lucky I only have one class so I can just go home but time is moving so slow right now. I am so tired. I have been struggling a lot and I really wanna hurt myself but I feel so guilty because I told people I wasn't going to do that anymore yet I went and did it anyways. I cut my wrists just a bit but its summer and I look so suspicious for wearing long sleeves in the heat. I really want to tell someone but I feel like I have no one to tell. I just want someone to hug me and tell me I'm not a failure for feeling like this. I feel so weak and I really don't think I can handle my mom yelling at me again. I need to do dishes when I get home but I can hardly stand on two feet let alone breath. I'm like a fish out of water at this point. my rib cage and sternum hurt and my back is sore. My lungs hurt and my heart hurts, my eyes are so dry. my mouth feels like its filled with glue and my jaw hurts from clenching it. I just want to lay down and die. why can't I die of natural causes. I don't want to do another year of this. It hurts so much. why doesn't anyone love me? I want it to stop hurting. please make it stop. everything hurts. I just want to cry. I have so much bottled up and I can't take it anymore. I want to die but I'm too chicken to off myself. I've been reading this comic called suicide boy. I feel like I can relate a lot to this Hooni kid. I feel comfort within his character, I even physically resemble him. Its funny though. I haven't met someone who has actively tried to help me and it stings a bit. sure I know lots of people but I have never ever had a real person I've been able to share this stuff with. this is getting too long (like my life) so I'm gonna stop it here. I have lots more to share but this is how I've been feeling this morning.