Vent book?

entry 2

long time no write it seems. lets just jump right into things shall we? I feel so incompetent. I'm skipping school, again. why can't I just go to sleep and not wake up? I know everyone is disappointed in me because I know I am. I'm physically ill now to pair with my mental illness. I have a severe iron deficiency and now I need to go to the hospital for monthly iron shots. I started birth control to try and regulate my atrociously long periods but now I haven't stopped bleeding for a month, extremely heavy. I have an abnormally high blood sugar and am now pre-diabetic. I think I've gained some weight. I used to be really skinny, no matter how much I ate. I get so worried that I'm too skinny and people will think I have an eating disorder so I over eat to compensate for it. I'm surprised I actually gained a few pounds, I think its the birth control helping me gain weight. however I am still a size small. I am so tired. my eyes are dry and my stomach hurts. I took some pain killers for my ungodly period cramps and I think they are starting to work. perhaps I should take a nap, I am exhausted after all. I have been missing so much school and I have so much to get done before finals that I'm scared to show my face in class. I want to drop off the face of the earth. I feel like everyone is judging me and I want to sob. I want to sob until I pass out. I want to scream for once, but I still only cry silently. perhaps one day the world might know my pain. maybe when I successfully kill myself I will have a book written about me. I really look up to Osamu Dazai. I've only read one of his books (no longer human) and I have never related to something more. I wonder if i'll be alive despite everything the world throws at me. although I do not plan to be so careless as the man in that story. I could never drink like that. the only health concern I wish to have is my suicidal tendencies. perhaps i'll move to a small town and live peacefully when I am old. I do not believe I will find love, much like the man in the story. I am merely the fool in this game we so willingly play. I am only 17 yet I know too much already. If I could just be a normal person maybe things might be different. only having to worry about what shoes I am going to wear today. maybe if I wasn't always thinking about my death all the time I could have a normal life. we are merely prolonging the inevitable. god I am so tired. dear reader, why is it you chose to read these? I am merely an unmotivated human, oh so unwilling to do anything. I have such a fear of failure yet I still neglect my duties. why must I hurt myself so? writing this is so easy and yet I can not bring myself to write a resume. a shame really. I had so much potential once. but I've really thrown that out the window. did you know I graduate high school in the spring of 2022? exciting right? I never thought I would make it this far but at the same time I knew this future would not change for me. I am so scared of my mothers judgement that I couldn't just drop out. some times I wonder how life would be right now if i had succeeded in my suicide attempt. what would dead be like? is there an after life? do I just get thrown back into life in a new body? I can not say, but my heart aches as I write about this. maybe I could live my next life as a bird, majestic and free. I have always wondered what it was like to fly. I want wings so bad. you know those questions like 'if you were a superhero what super power would you have'? well I would pick wings. oh to feel the wind against my body, not a care in the world. just flying until I can fly no more. I plan on getting a tattoo of wings on my back as soon as I turn 18. even though I can not fly now perhaps I will get the chance in my next life, if the world would be so kind to grant me that.