The Bedroom Blog

3 Rules for Going on a Dreaded Blind Date

Chloe steps out of her comfort zone

By Alessandra Torre

Hi blog. It's Sellout here. Yes, me, the girl who took a pay raise instead of the high road.  The girl who will be spending her weekend finding the perfect new apartment with her increased budget. The girl who is feeling a little guilty when she's not throwing dollar bills in the air and making it rain.

Three hundred extra dollars a week. Six months ago, I'd have laughed at that amount. Now, I feel rich.

Speaking of this weekend, tonight is that blind date. Remember? Paula From The Deli's son? Who may be handsome or disfigured, given the ridiculously poor resolution on her flip phone? He called me last night to "set up the details" of our date. Those were the words he used: "Set up the details." I can't think of the last time a man called me to make a plan rather than just text. It was a quick, fairly awkward call, but in today's impersonal world, it felt almost chivalrous. Plus, he had a nice voice. I hung up with him and wandered into Cammie's room. Mentioned the date and opened a huge can of information overload.

Have I mentioned that Cammie has been on nine blind dates? She's the type of girlwho everyone wants to set up. Hmmm … not sure what that says about me, considering that this is my first. Thankfully, her nine blind dates' worth of experience provided her with plenty of unwanted advice to share.

Rule #1: "Research" him.
"I already Googled him," I whined. Seriously, it wasn't like this was my first step into the swamp of modern dating. The first thing I did after talking to Paula was whip out my iPhone and plug in his name. I'd planned to do a better job that evening, only Cammie was on a date with Dante and the Wi-Fi wasn't working and PLL was on so…

"And…?" she asked, blowing on her nails before recapping the polish.

"And he's a tech guy. He designs apps."

"Like he's an employee at an app company? Or he's a tech guy at Walmart and works on their apps? Or he's the creator of Angry Birds?" She set the polish bottle on the side table and raised a perfectly plucked brow at me. This all coming from the girl dating the Brantley's chauffeur. Did she GoogleDante before orgasming so loudly she woke me up? (And yes, I AM still bitter about that)

"I don't know," I growled. "That's what his Facebook profile says. App designer. Nothing else."

"God, you suck." She climbed carefully off the bed, her hand carefully held up and out of danger. "Did you look at him on LinkedIn? That's the first thing you need to do. More research. Does he own property? Have unpaid tax liens? Live with his mother? Have any crazy ex-girlfriends?"

"That seems a little invasive."

She glared at me. "You're risking your life meeting this stranger. Be invasive."

Rule #2: Pick the perfect location.
"Don't let him pick the place," she directed, walking down the hall and tossing the directive over her shoulder.

Oops. He'd already done that. A small sushi spot five blocks away. I knew the spot, the sake was cold and the lighting forgiving, so I had agreed quickly.  I kept that tid bit to myself and listened.

"You need to pick a place that is fun yet kinda fancy. One that has cheap and expensive menu items, and watch what he orders. If he goes cheap, that tells you a lot. If he goes expensive, even more info. You want to be in and out within 45 minutes. Ideally, pick a place with a bar or ice cream shop next door. Then, if it does go well, maybe he'll suggest you guys grab some dessert or drinks."

"And if it doesn't go well?"

"Then you politely decline!" She enunciated the response like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I wandered after her like a lost puppy. Thank god she'd be here to help me analyze the results.

Rule #3: Have an escape plan.
"I'll call you 25 minutes into the date," she instructed, carefully lifting her coat off of the hook and shrugging into it."I'll ask you where you are. If you name the restaurant by name, then I'll tell you that the super just called and there's a water leak in the apartment and you need to go home ASAP. If you just say that you're at dinner than I'll hang up and you can enjoy the rest of the date in peace."

Name of the restaurant: escape.

I'm at dinner: stay.

What if I mix them up? I looked at her in horror, watching her grab her keys. "Where are you going?" I was in over my head. Needing more coaching. A repeat of the rules. Training. More advice from her extensive experience.

"I have to run to the pharmacy before they close. You'll be fine, we can chat when I get back." She blew me a kiss and shut the door.

I stood in the middle of the foyer for a long moment and tried to remember the three rules.

A blind date. What was I thinking?