Idiots According To Tig

One

"Where the fuck have you hidden my tampons you stupid bit-"

"Um, hey?" Tiger looked up from her desperate rummaging to see a boy sitting on her roommate's bed. Which was weird because Martha was a devout Christian, she literally didn't do boys. Although he was fully clothed (unlike the boys who sat on her own bed) and had a laptop perched on one knee, so maybe they were just study buddies.

"Who're you and where's Martha?" She stood in a stance as full of attitude as her, weight on one leg and hand on one hip. She was tall and blonde, and if she was a stereotype then she would also have a slender supermodel body: but she clearly wasn't a stereotype. Unlike the skinny models on the front of the magazines scattered at the end of Martha's bed, to him, Tiger's body seemed to be full. Her body was all smooth skin and soft edges. He couldn't help but admire the way her the way her calves curved into her thighs, her thighs curved into her hips, her hips curved into her waist and her waist curved into her breasts.

"I'm... Montgomery..." His eyes were still trailing over every inch of her, drinking her in. Unlike her body, her face wasn't rounded - in fact, it was really kind of sharp. Her nose was neat and elegant; her lips were thick and painted slightly red; her eyes were wide and slanted, and the darkest blue he could imagine an eye being. There was the most adorable freckle above her lip. He noticed her eyelashes lower as she squinted at him, realising that he was totally checking her out. With a slight cough from her, Montgomery snapped out of his hot-girl induced trance, and continued with his distant sentence. "Uh, yeah, Martha went out for pizza."

She snorted. "Why, it's not like she'll eat it. So why are you even here?" Where Montgomery was from, girls simply weren't that rude. Even Julie, the grumpy teenager who worked every Sunday morning at the café across the road from his church managed a smile when the bustling mothers and their excitable children barged in after congregation.

Instead of actually answering the beautiful, rude girl like a normal person would, he waves his notebook above his head, a foolish grin on his thick pink lips. She raises both eyebrows and curls her lip. He winces at his failure at being cool. She cringes at her roommate's terrible taste in friends.

Living off of university grounds has its benefits: more space, more freedom, an actual private bathroom... But Tiger can't help thinking that if she had less space there would be less space for her to lose stuff. It's bad enough when the only hair band she owns that doesn't have the elastic showing completely disappears off the face of the Earth even though she left it right next to her mirror, or when the last piece of chocolate fudge cake that she was saving especially for when she can't sleep mysteriously goes missing (it's an actual mystery - Martha doesn't eat sugar. Or fat, or carbs, or literally any other food group), but when the box of tampons that she had been careful to keep in the cupboard of the toilet is suddenly empty, it's cause for panic.

Tig looked around in despair. Literal despair. Head down so she could see the full extent of the rubble filling her friend's room, hands on both hips, the occasional sigh omitted. Montgomery can't help but notice she's crossing her skinny jean clad legs very tightly together.

"Uh, are you ok?" Montgomery had put his notebook down and looked away from his laptop a good five minutes prior to his interruption.

Tig let her hands slack and looked at him pointedly. "Hm. Not really."

"C-can I help."

"Well I don't know, Montgomery-"

"Monty," Monty said. "Just call me Monty."

"Well, Monty. Can you drive?"

"Yeah...?

"Do you have a car?"

"Yes...?"

"Is it here?"

"It's outside."

"Brilliant! Let's go." For the first time in the approximately fifteen minutes they had known each other, Monty saw Tig smile. And although he tried not to use the Lord's name in vain, Oh. My. God. Her lips were smooth and soft and plump and red and made for smiling. And smiling made her eyes sparkle. "Oh, my name's Tiger, by the way. Call me Tig." God.

"So how long have you known Martha?" The poor boy had (sort of) agreed to take her to buy tampons after knowing her for exactly no time at all, the least Tig could do was make decent conversation. Well maybe not decent, but conversation at least.

"Um, not long. A few months, we sit next to each other in Psycology." She wondered if he started every sentence with 'um' or 'uh'.

"What do you think of her?"

He looked shocked. "W-what do you mean?" Or maybe he just has a stutter.

"You know, what's your opinion of her?"

"She's nice, I s'pose. Very unique."

"No she's not," Tig jumped at the chance to correct him.

"Have you met her?" Monty seemed to be growing in confidence. "Of course she is."

Tiger shut her eyes, possibly in irritation, and even though he was supposed to be focusing on the road, Montgomery couldn't help but notice how her luxuriant dark lashes brushed against her under eyes - how can they even be that long? And dark?! Her hair is sun-bleached blonde, with light brown roots, so how can her eyelashes possibly be that black? The mid-afternoon sun glared in through the window, shining off her creamy skin, which by the way was completely smooth with absolutely no pores or wrinkles what-so-ever.

"Well yeah, she is unique. She's just not very unique. It's the same as 'perfect': you can't be any amount of perfect, you either are or you aren't. I mean, how can you even fuck a sentence up that badly? It's like saying 'an banana'." She rolled her eyes at his seemingly perennial incompetence.

"Alright." No wonder he stuttered around her, she was fucking scary. And also beautiful.

Being the true gentleman he was, Monty carried her two Sainsbury's bags filled with sanitary towels, tampons, chocolate and six chicken tikka masala ready meals, "just in case". He even stopped at the supermarket toilets for her to "sort herself out".

"Matilda!" Martha squealed from the kitchen where she was cutting carrot sticks, probably to dip in her homemade, fat-free houmous. "You kidnapped Monty!"

"Ah no, it's ok. We just popped to the supermarket for some... supplies." Monty seemed braver with the protection of Martha, who let out a chuckle at his awkward-ity.

"Tilly, you know there are tampons under the sink?"

"Why would they be under the fucking sink?"

"Where else would they be, don't swear."

"Above the fucking toilet! Don't call me Matilda. Or Tilly."

"Don't swear!"

"Oh. My. God. It's my damn mouth and I'll do what I want with it," she momentarily turned to Monty and winked, knowing it would make him uncomfortable.

"Huh?" Or at least, it would if he understood it.

"Monty, honey, Tilly's making an inappropriate joke." Martha smiled softly at him, then returned to glaring at her roommate.

"Don't fucking call me Tilly!"

"My mouth and I'll do what I want with it!" Martha retorted.

In response, Tiger-not-Tilly screamed and stalked to her room, slamming the door behind her. And then the most beautiful woman Monty had ever seen, screamed again.

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Tiger (Kate Upton) in the picture above/to the side. This doesn't really introduce the story, but it introduces the main characters, so there's a lot more to come! Stick with it!?

© March 2015 MoreThanTheMistakes