Finding My Place ⚙️ Knot (a SOTUS fanfic)

vol.11: r e c o n n e c t e d

"I'm feeling in and out.
I turn full circle round and round.
So will you help me down?
Come grab my hand for solid ground.
And I don't learn, no I don't learn.
It'll all be fine this time."
- Line of Sight - ODESZA, WYNNE, Mansionair

⚙️

After the meeting ended, I tried to find Kong and I even messaged him, but he never responded to it. I tried to stop thinking about everything as I lied down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. The lights were off, a small sliver of light streaming through the crack in the curtains. I felt as if I had been lying there for hours trying to sleep, but my mind just wouldn't stop racing.

With a sigh, I rolled onto my side and picked up my phone, tapping the power button to bring it out of its slumber. It was only one in the morning. I tried to get my mind off of things by watching some YouTube, but not even Rhett and Link's antics could keep my attention for more than a minute before my mind started to wander again.

I closed the app and pulled up my contacts again. I still couldn't believe how many contacts I now had, people that were willing to call me friend. My eyes hovered over Knot's name and I smiled, feeling warmth settling in my chest. I can't believe I actually like him... but there's no way he would ever feel the same about me. I'm whiter than sour cream, heavy-set, dealing with multiple mental illnesses and a broken home. I'm not very smart and I don't even understand half the shit being taught here. I cry at the drop of a hat, my memory sucks, and... well, I could keep going but I really would be here all night without sleep.

There's no way in hell someone as gorgeous and smart as Knot would want me when he has a pick of so many beautiful Thai girls. I frowned, my eyes falling on my old friend's contact info. I didn't know his real name, but he went by BB online. We first met when I was fourteen. I was still trying to deal with the death of my mother, along with the guilt and I was lonely, scared, and depressed and I reached out online, trying to find a friend that I could talk to.

I met BB on a Marvel Universe forum where he was heatedly discussing the movie, Black Panther. I joined the conversation in his defense because he was being ganged up on and insulted by four other users who didn't share his views. I thought that would be the end of that, but the next day I had a DM from him, thanking me for backing him up. We got to talking about the movie and it just branched out from there.

We talked every day about a variety of topics and he even let me vent when things got too overwhelming for me. He was my only friend, my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything and he never complained. He was always kind and thoughtful. I loved him dearly, but then one night we didn't talk – I was mentally exhausted because of Taeho's relationship with Anong and didn't feel like talking, and BB said that he was physically exhausted from working so hard all day. We agreed to skip that night of talking.

The next day we didn't talk either. Then the next and the next. Before I knew it, two years had passed since our last conversation. I stared at our last conversation, running my thumb across the side of my phone. Should I...? It couldn't hurt just to check in and see how he's doing, right? If he doesn't want to talk to me, he just has to ignore me... unless doing so makes him feel guilty and he has to reply even though he doesn't want to. But I really want to message him, even just to see if he's still alive and well.

Chewing on my lip, I composed a new message to him: 'Hey, BB. It's been... a long time! I was thinking about you lately and I wanted to see how you were doing! ^-^/' My thumb hovered over the send button. Did it sound too weird? To me, it did, but I finally decided to bite the bullet and hit the send button before tapping the power button and rolling onto my back, staring up at the ceiling again.