Moving To Silence

Twenty-Four. And You Ran

Storm

The desperation that accompanies the loneliness of her leaving me is heavier on my heart than I ever thought was physically possible, I am trying so hard to decipher what hurts worse; her leaving or her reason for doing so. Not that I have the answer to any of the questions running through my head, she won't answer my calls; won't answer Amalie's either and it is making me regret returning home even more.

Her mum threw her case and the guys I have been hanging out with for the past month, calling my friends are the exact reason her life is in shambles, no wonder she avoided me. I would avoid me too, but I also understand more why she never told me, she is scared that I will see her as broken and that if she thinks about it, she will never recover.

I believe that she is stronger than she thinks and selfishly I hope that the outburst and pain she is experiencing helps her get past whatever barrier is keeping her from being who she truly is, the glimpses I have seen only make me love her more. Especially in that black dress she was wearing, if not for the chaos I would have gladly peeled it of her; I know she would let me.

"Heard anything?" Amalie asks, sitting down cautiously on the sofa next to me, at our house on campus, the Christmas tree sitting sadly in the corner of the room.

"Nothing but radio silence, I just hope she is okay" I sigh, leaning my head on the back of the sofa and staring up at the roof.

"I have never seen her go off the rails like this, then again, her entire world just imploded, I am not surprised she needed some time to cool off"

"But two weeks? I thought she would be back by now"

"I did too but she has pain to work through and she is probably beating herself up about what happened"

"But it isn't her fault"

"I think she knows that, but Nel is probably mad at how she dealt with us, I mean I pushed her to go to her parents and you pushed her to be a better person. She won't want to resent that"

"Why would she resent you?"

"I, um, I was the one who found her that night" Her voice drops to a quiet hum, not wanting Sutton and Julian in the kitchen to hear.

"You mean after?"

"Yeah, we were supposed to meet up fifteen minutes after we arrived, I got caught up and was like ten minutes late and when I got to the kitchen she wasn't there anymore. I waited and then went looking, I thought she just must've gotten bored waiting by herself, but she wouldn't pick up and by the time I found her it was an hour after we had arrived, and she was curled up in the middle of a random bed shaking"

"Jesus fuck Amalie"

"She was a mess; it took minutes of coaching for her to allow me to scoop her up into my arms and even longer to get her off the bed"

"That's why you said you couldn't do this again, wasn't it? It reminded you of finding her"

"She was worse that night but yes, her panic attack reminded me of it. Nel wasn't the only one who had to work through the pain of that night, I took her to her parents' house and ignored every one of her pleas to just forget about it. She knew that her parents would never believe her, but I never knew them like that, I still had faith that they would take care of their daughter"

"Evidently they did not"

"Not one bit, I saw the video when they put it out, I wish there was a way for it to be removed forever but there's so many reposts that she just told me to give up"

"What was it like?"

"Storm, if you saw it, you would have more than bruised knuckles and a busted lip. They filmed it in such a way that the screams and crying all just seemed a part of the elaborate act. She was bound and trapped, Storm- she had no escape and as much as I wish I could be mad at the fact she stopped talking to me, I can't because I don't think she would have coped otherwise"

"I could kill them"

"But you won't because no matter what, you know that isn't what Nellie wants" Amalie sighs, wiping the stray tears from her cheeks.

"She was lucky, is lucky to have you in her life"

"I don't know about that"

"I do, you protect her, maybe not in the way you wish you did but I don't think her not talking saved her, I think having you did" As the words leave my mouth, fat tears roll down her cheeks. With a heavy heart I pull her into my embrace, letting her cry into my shoulder for as long as she needs.

I have heard what people around campus say, what Travis told me once, that Nel was lucky to have me in her life, but I don't think that has ever been true because despite all of the dick things I have done she still loves me.

Despite the fights and questions, she never wavered from her stance on me, she has always believed that I am worth loving, she doesn't care how many times she has to reassure me or sit with me while I study because I don't know if I am doing good enough, she loves me.

Nellie loves me despite all the reasons I have given her not too and because of that I believe that I am the lucky one, I am lucky because she is the most amazing person I have met and when she gets back, a day or months from now I will still love her. I don't care if we have to start all over again, I refuse to lose the only chance of love I want.

"Are we still going to the recital tonight?" Aiden asks, tearing me from my thoughts.

"If not, I have a date I could be going on" Julian adds.

"You guys want to bail?" Amalie asks, wiping the tears and makeup from her red cheeks.

"We were kind of going for Nellie and she hasn't been seen, so I didn't know what the plan was"

"Right, of course" Amalie says shaking her head, "Well I am still the one singing so, it is entirely your decision, I haven't heard from her so I doubt she will be coming"

"I am still going" I answer, which makes Amalie smile, if I wasn't so completely involve with Nellie then I might find her attractive in a please-have-sex-with-me way, alas I do not.

"No date for you, we are all going to the showcase like we promised" Cedric decides, effectively cancelling any other plans.

"Thanks Cedric" She smiles, as he pulls her in for a side hug, one that is rather long for just friends.

"Need a lift there?" I ask, standing up with the intention of getting changed.

"I've got her, I will meet you all outside with the tickets" Cedric smiles as they get up off the couch.

My room, for the first time in my life is messy, clothes and empty food wrappers litter the ground and despite the nagging in the back of my head I don't clean it, I can't.

Perhaps with this recital and hearing Amalie sing a song Nellie composed, some of this pressure on my heart will be relieved.