pissy buckets of shitty poetry

a sad shit i wrote after a horribly long night spent in fear, the actual title

a sad shit i wrote after a horribly long night spent in fear, the actual title

disclaimer: when i blame "all of you" i obv don't mean my friends. you support me and make me feel better hehe also sorry for getting some words wrong ig

n 81

Oh i hope that no one can actually hear me cry
or see my shit face writhe in agony
like a gleeful blue slug
dying on salt
oh what a mystery

Oh I'd be happy to ring my father's doorbell
and find him round the corner
to murder him
Oh how much pleasure I would get
from a knife cutting his neck
it would be like slicing cheese just like a little bit more bloody maybe

And that bastard would go on living
Always being never leaving
me alone
And when I finally go insane
Ill keep it in my brain
forgetting to remember

Oh I'd be happy to handle well that knife
and stick it between his ribs, it'd be so nice
And if he screams I'll cut his vocal chords
and in their place
he's gonna find a squeaky toy
isn't that funny

She's sleeping in the bed next to mine
I've felt my eyes watering for half a hour now
I can't quite figure out if she's awake or am I
maybe hallucinating again?
I've wept about my very own debt with time
and how I've brought it to the extremes
and left it exceed the limits of my body
I grind my teeth like a beast while tears fall down my side
and a second later I'm as serious as this human had in mind
Oh I'd like someone near me and being alone is cold but on the other hand it's way too hot and it's the first night today
Do i need someone or merely a fantasy? What is the ideal source for my comfort? Would I actually let anyone touch me?
And oh how much disgust I feel
I'm going to forget about this when I wake up

(to a ragtime tune, possibly)

I've gone back to middle school five
third year of middle school
how the bell chimes
I've got to admit it has been some time
but what can I do if I need this to rhyme

I've bought two new videogames
One I've played 7 times
But now before beginning they're boring already
i don't think I'm ready to keep steady and look for new finds
I've lost interest in everything that was part of me
Drawing Writing Singing Playing Thinking to bleed
While not a single thing moves I cling to my feet
Rocking back and forth, haha, that's just what i need
The darkness now has set in, I start to fawn
Hiding behind masks of old in a person that's gone
I'm nothing but my envelope my involucrum
I've lost my own meaning to disgraceful form of thought
Now my face is serious now it's in agony
now it's looking funny now my eyes can't quite see
And if I lost all that was me then what happens next
I've needed to find meaning to my identity theft
Something that I never had and I'll never need
I've freed a bird and cut a weed now i am the lead
of what crumb is left of my renewed dispair
"Do something, it'll pass" but I don't think it's fair
Could I leave this all behind and just close my eyes?
Could I fuck you with the lights off in a bed that's not mine?
Could I wake up in a sweaty gown and realize I'm grown?
Could I leave this place for my own sake, cut myself to the bone?
Could I sell you this tear I got, right in my eye?
Could you buy my work and exploit it? Don't worry, that's fine!
Could I knock the pieces off and insist I won?
Could I overturn the table as well as the roles?

I've woken up in sweaty sadness weeping again
I've gone to the bathroom for the very simple gain
of taking care of me if this has to be the game
I've looked into the mirror started crying like a kid
I've felt such dread, feeling like I could never win
Then I sliced my chest, got my heart, tied it under my chin
Could I now describe myself, just what I've seen?
I've got a double chin and my back's curving forward
I've got an enormous ass and a face abnormal
I can't recognize myself, I'm just like a coward
My hands are looking fat, should I just cringe in horror?

Could I get over this feeling If I decide to be horny?
If you know I beg of thee indeed would you inform me?
I'm afraid after all it would never be gone
Since the fact that I can't masturbate,
let alone come

Could I leave this all behind and just close my eyes?
Would it be just a bit funnier if I didn't cry?
Should I organize a funeral and be in the crowd?
Should I look at them in costume and scream they've been found

If I killed myself I wouldn't care much
All I've had to say would surely go to dust
Despite it all I find myself in need to say
If I did it I'd regret leaving my kittens to pray
Honestly, just honestly, I'd blame most of you
For all that you've done and what I had to endure
Apathy's the way, I guess- I guess I should've known
That none of you deserved my love, my mind or my thought
Hahahahahahahahahaha, hahahaha
Hehehehehehe, hahahaha
Hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahaha
hahaha
hahahaha
HAH
AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA
HAH

(could I tell you a secret, good friend of mine?
I'm very close to snapping just look into my eye
If I call help they'll intern me in the psych ward for life
you never were the cause of what you were to find)