Celadon

Atrous - Jet Black

"She left a letter," I hear my mother say. 

I've only been able to stare blankly across the kitchen for the past few hours, the morning light filtering in through the window. I've stayed up all night. I didn't go see her in the hospital. Why the hell would I want to go stare at a dead fucking body? 

"Dan?" my mother says. "Did you hear me? She left a letter. Addressed to you. No one's read it."

I'm shaking my head, a cold, empty chill across my skin. Phil had walked me home, but he didn't come inside, I wasn't ready for that, I wasn't ready. 

"Don't you want some closure?" she asks.

No. I already have closure. I already know why she did it. Her distant attitude directly after I told my brother, her empty smile and glazed eyes. She knew. Charlie knew that there was someone else. Charlie knew and it took away the thing in her life that she lived to perfect: her relationship with me.

I find myself nodding anyway, unable to even look at my mother, only staring vacantly at the off-white piece of paper she hands me. I unfold the letter with shaky hands, forcing myself to read the delicate lines.

Dan,

I'm not mad with you. Please know that. I loved you. And by the time you read this you'll probably know what I've done. I lived for you, for the idea of our future together, and yes, I did hear you talking about celadon and that you have a soulmate that is not me. Yes, that is the reason this happened. Because I don't think I could live in a world where I can't have you, but I also couldn't keep on being with you knowing that I was holding you back from someone that would make you happy. 

When I saw the colours, I thought everything would be better. But all you ever did was force a smile and pretend you felt the same to make me happy. And though I wish you would have been honest, I understand that you were afraid of your parents, of hurting me. 

And this probably seems selfish, me just ending my own life over you. But I know you have someone to spend the rest of your life with. I know you have someone to look after you and fix you. I would have had to spend my life knowing that I wasn't good enough, and that's not your fault, it's just how things worked out.

Please, don't be sad. I mean, you'll probably be sad, because death is pretty tragic, but please don't be sad for the rest of your life. I did this so we could both be happy, I guess. Please, my last wish is that you move on, that you fall in love with him, that you make a life with him, that you tell your parents about your celadon and the miracle of you having a soulmate regardless. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, and since there isn't an 'us', all I want is for you to be happy. I love you, Dan.

Goodbye.

~ Charlie

I stare at the words, willing there to be more, willing there to be a way to undo everything, to reverse time and travel back two years to stop myself from fucking up. 

"Do you want to talk?" my mother asks softly when I set down the paper and wipe at my eyes. 

"No," I answer emptily. She nods, staring down at the stone counter of our kitchen before turning to leave me to my own thoughts. 

My phone buzzes and it takes every ounce of my will to pick it up.

Phil Lester:

Coffee?

I don't smile, but I do nod to myself in the emptiness of my kitchen.

You:

Yes please. Right now?