Between The Lines {H.S}

1.

TW: mentions of dark themes.

June 14th 2014

Hey you,

Whoever the hell is reading this. Today is the same as any other day.

I'm so tired and I am so numb to everything that I couldn't even be bothered by how much my stomach hurts. I am so hungry. Pretty sure I've said that in every journal entry I've written so far, but hey, it's keeping me somewhat sane. As sane as I can be.

Every day is a new location because I am scared to stay in one place. I guess tonight I will be sleeping under this bridge I had found.

It has been four weeks ever since I lost mum and dad, but it feels like just yesterday. At least I think it's been weeks, time has been blending together because I never sleep.

I can't sleep because every time I shut my eyes, I don't see darkness, I see flames. Flames engulfing my parents bodies along with the car. The crackling of the fire is still very audible in my ears, the heat of it against my skin while I was screaming for them to come back to me.

Funny thing is, is that I'm so exhausted of just living, but my mind never seems to shut the fuck up you know? Well, maybe you don't and you're life isn't as fucked up as mine. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My mind can't escape it.

I see my dads face moments before everything went black. I see their lifeless mutilated bodies resting face first in their own blood. It's like a horror movie reel except, it's not a movie. It's my life.

And I'm all alone.

And I really hope that if you're somewhat in the same boat as me, and if you lost someone important to you. Don't ever blame yourself for it. I did for a while, didn't get me anywhere besides even more heartbreak.

Don't do that to yourself darling.

This is so fucking stupid I'm really bad at this, I cant believe that I'm continuing to write in this as if one day I will magically look back on it , and say wow. I made it.

I'm not that lucky.

The way things are looking for me, I'll get to see them soon. At least I hope there is something else after death. I've never really given it much thought, but sometimes It does pop into my mind here and there.

I feel like jumping off of a cliff would be a great way to go. That's just my opinion.

Why should I waste away with nobody by my side, nothing to nourish my body, nothing that makes me feel alive,  when I could really just end it all right now?  God, that was dark. Whoever is reading this or happens to stumble upon this, I'm sorry.

I wasn't always like this.

See, I really wish you would've known me before my life went up into flames literally. I think you would've liked me. But I guess the past journal entries will suffice for the future ones.

But this is my journal, and I am not going to lie to you when I say that everything hurts right now. But you want to know something strange?

The day the accident happened, I remember this Mar girl. I mean I think her name was Mar? Or maybe it was Martha? God I really don't remember, but I do remember our interaction.

And the reason as to why I remember that, is because it was the last interaction I had before I ended up like this. She was the last face I saw besides my parents and she's kind of stuck in my mind I guess. But that's what happens when your brain keeps replaying the same day over and over again.

My very own little living hell.

I just remember her feeling like sunshine. Does that make sense? Probably not. Well, what I mean by that is her aura radiated so much warmth and light, and she smelt good too, like strawberry candy.

Mar. What a sunny disposition she had.

I wonder what she's doing. I remember when we were leaving the gas station her mum was screaming at her. I hope she's okay wherever she is.

And I hope you reading this, I hope you're doing okay too.

This is the thing I hate about writing in here, I'm talking to you directly but I'll never get to hear your responses or see your reactions. But maybe if I stick around, and some sort of miracle happens where I get my life together and I leave the streets for good, I can burn this along with all the bad memories.

But for now, I am just going to assume that someone had found this. And you know how this journal is a little escape for me, maybe it can be an escape for you too. You can read this and realize that you're not alone. We all are going through something right?

So that being said, since I am always so stuck in my head all the time I was working on a little something. Well, not literally I mean a poem, or a song whatever the hell you'd like to call it.

I'm not sure what to title it. Falling sounds fitting in my opinion, but maybe you can just name it whatever you want.

What am I now? What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

I thought this up because it really does feel like I'm constantly falling, deeper and deeper into this abyss of nothingness. And hell, I really am someone I don't want around.

A little dark and sombre? Yeah, but at least it's raw and genuine.

But, those were just my thoughts for the night, short but sweet. Until next journal entry.
Let's hope I have something more interesting to talk about.

- H