Conniveo

Chapter 21: Debutante

I stared at the ceiling with my forearm resting on my head and blinked repeatedly. I was trying not to cry, but I was close to tears now. The feelings of loneliness and helplessness were beginning to get to me. I had talked to Greg several times since I discovered I could, and we had eventually run out of things to talk about. Our last conversation had ended in an argument, where he essentially blamed me for everything that happened. I had defended myself, because I never asked for any of this. After that, we bottled up. I was a little surprised at Greg; he was never the type to come to illogical conclusions, so maybe he was just stressed too. My cell had begun to feel small, even though the illusion of being bigger was still working. I missed being outside; I missed seeing the sun, feeling wind on my face, hearing the honking of cars and smelling the streets after it rained. I knew it felt cheesy to think about those things, but those were the things on my mind whenever I wasn't thinking about Mum. She would be a total mess right now, and the guilt of that knowledge was making me feel that everything really was my fault. Maybe she would think I had walked out on her, just like Dad did. I sniffed as a tear rolled out of my left eye. I thought about cleaning it off but I had no strength to bottle things up anymore..

"Eugene."

I turned to my right. Greg's image was sitting across from me, his bed on the opposite wall. We stared at each other and said nothing. His eyes were downcast. He looked tired. No, sad. Maybe even both. I couldn't blame him, the boredom alone was exhausting. Coupled with the fact that death was looming over our heads, our spirits deserved to be low. I looked back at the ceiling and let out a slow sigh. Time seemed an endless stretch, with no clues as to when one day ended and the next began. Despite the constant beeping of the anklet, I had ignored the last two meals. I felt hungry and weak, but I had no appetite, and all the strange food wasn't helping anything either. The food trays had simply returned after about an hour. I guess they understood that I wasn't in the mood. Greg shifted uncomfortably on his bed and my gaze went back to him.

"I'm really sorry, Yuje. About everything I said." 
"Me too. For getting us in this mess." 
"It's not your fault. You were just as confused as I was." 
"Maybe it is. Maybe that Diella woman was right. Maybe I never should have existed." 
"What's that supposed to-?" 
"Forget it," I sighed. I was aware of how depressing I sounded, and I did not want to ruin our moods any further. As if that were possible. 
"If we're going to die here anyway, I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you this." 
"Tell me what?" 
"I still have a crush on you," he breathed out, looking across at me. I guess he was waiting to see my reaction. 
"I know," I replied, barely flinching. We had one awkward moment when we were about fourteen years old and Greg was still coming to terms with his sexuality. He kissed me. With tongue. We were silent afterwards and didn't talk for two days. Then we ended up playing Playstation and acting like it never happened. I had the incident pushed to the back of my mind, but I knew Greg had thought we would have something. 

"You're thinking about that awkward kiss, aren't you?" His face began to form a smile. I found myself smiling back, like his mood was lifting mine. 
"Yeah, it was so weird. I didn't know what to think either. You had me feeling sexually confused for like a month." 
"Too bad I wasn't able to turn you, like you thought I did. But I think the whole thing brought us closer. We could talk about anything after that. You've been spewing your love life to me ever since." 
"So you know you're the only guy I ever made out with. And it wasn't so bad after all." I laughed a bit, but my stomach began to hurt. I guess I was hungrier than I thought. 
"You were my first kiss. And because you were cool about it, you're still my best friend. It was really hard, working through all the emotions: being gay, being in high school,thinking about how everyone else would react and how it could ruin my life. You probably never realized this, but you hanging out with me even after that made things a lot easier. You helped me accept myself, because you accepted me. And even after all these years, even though I know you'll never feel the same way I did, I know those silly teenage feelings I had for you will never go away." 
"They weren't silly. You're just gay, and you couldn't resist me."