Walking into the room, I notice Helen quickly wiping her eyes and blowing her nose as if she wasn't just balling her eyes out.
"Hey! Where you been?" She asks cheerily, but I hear the laced edges of dismay.
"Just out." I quietly say and remove my shoes and leave them on the mat by the door before setting my bag down and sitting on my bed. She struggles to get off of her bed and come over to me.
"You alright?"
"Does it matter?" When I say this her face slowly drops and she must know I heard the conversation.
"Max, it does matter. To me—it matters." Shaking my head, I push off of my bed and I got her bathroom. She doesn't say anything or follow me. Shutting the door, I hand on the sink's edges and stare into the mirror at myself.
I should just go jump.
Why fight?
What's the point?
Why live?
After a few moments I exit and she's still on my bed looking down at her hands. When she looks up, she has a small sad smile on her face.
"Max, about earlier..."
"Which part?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you mean the part before I left or me jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge?" When I say it she swallows hard and her tears begin to roll.
"Max, I..."
"Save it, Helen."
"But Max I was..." She gets up and tries to take my hand, but I rip it away.
"I said save it! You're right! He was right! About everything!! Don't you think I know that?! I know I don't deserve to be here! I know I don't deserve you or the babies! I know I should just jump and save you the heartache!!"
She cries harder and shakes her head- her body shaking just as bad.
"I was a real asshole back in September! I know! And I regret it every fucking day of my life! I wanted to be here for you- I really did...but I also knew that you were better off without me in your life! You still are! I wanted to call you back. I wanted to be at appointments and watch the babies grow- to see you grow- to be here for you through all of it. I wanted to be here. But I knew it wasn't what you wanted!"
"Max...That's not..." She cries and I just keep going over top of her meek and weak volume.
"You told me you didn't want me around. You told me you didn't want me to be their father and I was trying SO HARD to respect your wishes despite the fact that it's killing me!" I back up to the door and rest against it- keeping my distance from her. "So I'll just you a favor, Helen- the only real thing I can give you...after boards—you won't ever need to worry about me being around. You won't have to have that constant reminder of how much of a failure of a person I am."
Turning, I open the door and leave.
I don't wait around for her to call my name or come out to me.
I just leave to the stairwell and sit down on the steps between five and four and I just drop my head into my knees and cry quietly to myself.
***
"Max...hey- Max..." Feeling someone pushing my shoulder, I look up and find Lauren standing a few steps down from me so we're eye level.
I must've fallen asleep at some point.
My whole body is achy.
And my ass hurts the worst.
YOU ARE READING
Temporary Love
Fanfiction*** Heavy A/U New Amsterdam *** Max Goodwin is just that average college guy who is just trying to make it as a medical student. When an easy mistake leads a huge misunderstanding- Max has to learn that breaking out of the comfort zone can be worth...
