left unsaid.

Letter 10, 3/29/14

Darling,

That envelope with my name signed if your ever-so flourished and distinguishable script has been burning a hole in my pocket for the last three days.

Every now and then, I take it out, only to stare at it for what seems an eternity. Flipping it around in my hands, staring at the otherwise clear and cream material, wondering what words could be written on the blank canvas that was set in my brain. So many ideas were running through my thoughts of what you left for me in that letter.

I'm still not ready to hear the last words I'll ever get from you.

Today, I was called in by Dr. Rockfield for a last minute session. I thought I knew exactly why she wanted me there, and as soon as I arrived there and planted myself on one of the couches in her office, I found myself to be true.

It was the fact that your birthday was tomorrow, which is the first big life event I'm going to go through without you. And it specifically related to you. She wanted me tell stories of your past birthdays.

I made it through one story before I shut down completely.

It was the birthday after we first starting dating.

You were so nervous, which was unusual for you. But we were going to announce that we were a couple at last. Everyone had speculations that we were together, though we'd always deny the fact and your cheeks would become tinged with pink. I hadn't realized for so long that you liked me back, I didn't see the signs until I look back now. (Baby girl that was another thing Im sorry about. We could've had so much time as one.)

This birthday of yours was your nineteenth, and it was my favorite by far. I had loved seeing the fluttery and somewhat anxious Hanna, it was the first time I'd seen you like that. I guess it had made me feel special because it was announcing us that made you so nervous. Which might seem terrible, I know.

Anyway, right before we left to the party, you were standyou.in front of your full length mirror, twisiting and turning every which way to see different parts of your body in the dress you were wearing. Your fingers were running through your curls and attempting to fix imaginary smudges in your makeup. I told you so many times you looked beautiful, but your pretty face was scrunched in worry, with your eyebrows knitted together and your lower lip between your teeth. Then you starting spewing out words that hardly made any sense and in a spur of the moment, I stood from where I was perched on your bed, grabbed both sides of your head and brought your lips to mine, hoping to silence you and your anxious thoughts once and for all. For once, I got it right.

I remember how your knees gave out slightly beneath you and the way your hands felt as they wrapprd around my arms, and how you let out a soft sigh while you began to kiss me back. I remember like it just happened yesterday.

Then you giggled that melodical giggle of yours and with our foreheads rested against each other's, you whispered a breathy thank you.

It took me a moment to continue on after that, but somehow I did as I pressed my fingers to my lips, trying to feel your gentle kisses again.

After that, we had driven into the city to the restaurant that you loved so much and we were greeted by all of our friends and family. There were so many laughs, so many stories, so many memories made that night. My favorite was when you clinked your salad fork against a glass of champagne, ready to make a speech that would soon crush the words that I had previously spoken more than any spider I ever killed for you.

I couldn't bring myself to say that speech to Dr. Rockfield, because I felt like if I told her, it would disappear from where it was embedded in my memories. But I did tell her that it had a lot of people in tears. Including me.

The words you said about me, about us, I had never known you'd thought before. And I didn't say it at the time, baby doll, but I one hundred percent agree with every single syllable you spoke. I guess I didn't realize it until now and that shows how much of a naive guy I really am.

I couldn't make it any farther than that, because the rest of that night came crashing on me like a tsunami. The walk around town, the splashing at the beach, the ice cream at two in the morning, the movies until we couldn't keep our eyes peeled open enough. The giggles, the whispers, the nervous touches. The feeling of fresh love, the beginnings that never really vanished for us. It's where it all started.

Dr. Rockfield thanked me for my sharing, and I went a little over my normal time. It was the most time I'd ever voluntarily spent there. After that, I found myself walking through the park we visited to get to the beach that night.

And I caught myself smiling.

Much love,

-Jacson

(P.s. Your birthday dinner is tomorrow and I feel like I'm about to throw up, now that I'm home alone and left with only that to think about. I'm hoping your brother won't be there, but I highly doubt he'd miss it. It's a milestone for us all, Hanna.

I still have your present hidden in my sock drawer. I plan to bring it tomorrow, to show them. They were supposed to see it before, but I never got the chance.)

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Oh hey there's an update! Ive had a HUGE load of homework mainly in watching an 8 hour "miniseries" on my own time and doing a gigantic (and ridiculous) English project. But here you go! (Is anyone still reading? What do you think?)

Have a beautiful day!

-Rose

(P.s. Thank you for nearly 400 reads and 63 votes, you are all lovely people!!)