left unsaid.

Letter 5, 3/23/14

*Trigger Warning?*

3/23/14 

Baby girl, I know it seems like I forgot a day. I didn't mean too, I promise. Please forgive me, please.. I plan on seeing you again soon..

I'm in the hospital right now. The place I swore I'd never go again, no matter what.

But yet, here I am.

I guess I owe you a big explanation, don't I sweetheart?

It all started on Thursday night, the one I spent with Anthony and Zach.

At first, it seemed like a normal time out with them. They were fooling around as usual and trying to hit on girls they'd never have a chance with. I know you remember them doing that. You would always roll your eyes and call them sexist pigs because of the way they acted.

I would've even said I was enjoying myself a bit again. It felt good to get away from the voices inside my head, the constant reminders and memories of you.

Then things took a turn for the worse.

Your brother showed up at our table. I don't believe I've ever seen him so angry before.

Right away his words cut like knives against my heart, reopening the wounds that were just beginning to mend.

I will remember the things he said for the rest of my life. It feels like he burned them into my mind with a branding iron.

"You've finally worked up the nerve to show your face in public after what you did, Jacson? What a great feat for you! I can't believe your friends can stand to look at you anymore. I could feel the bile rising in my throat by just being in the same room as you." He screamed at me with clenched fists and red cheeks. "You murderer! She's dead because of you, you... Monster!"

My heart sank to my feet after his words that swirled around in my head registered. He was right. The things I'd been telling myself for the past 23 days were completely true.

You, Hanna, are dead because of me.

You're buried six feet under, left to rot with hundreds of other people that you never met, in your favorite dress. You will never again breathe in the cold air after the first snowfall of their year like you always loved. There will never be another past midnight movie marathon with me, while nibbling on junk food and cuddled into a bundle of blankets on the couch. No more coffee dates or 2 a.m. sweet nothings or loud singing to the radio while we clean up our dinner dishes. You can no longer do anything that you used to love because of me.

Because I forgot to pick you up from Lindsey's house that dreaded Tuesday night and you ended up walking home by yourself, with just a little bit too much wine in your system. Because I didn't turn my phone off silent and fell asleep on the couch. All because of my stupid, forgetful mind that you always teased me about, is why that car hit you. Why that drunk idiot ran you down and didn't look back, leaving you there to die.

Baby girl, I'm sorry I let you die alone. I should've been at the hospital with you for your last breaths. But instead I selfishly spent them in complete ignorance, snoring away on our shitty sofa. There aren't enough words to describe what I feel. How guilty I am. How I deserve to be punished so badly for how awful of a fiancé I was.

Zach dragged me out of the restaurant right after your brother landed a punch to my jaw and dropped me off at home. He tried to get me to talk to him, but I ended up snapping and screaming at him to leave. Reluctantly he obliged to my angered wish.

I spent the next half an hour in hysterics, trying to figure out my next move. My conclusion was not one I'm proud of and I know you won't be too happy about either, angel.

I quickly scrawled out three notes. One to your brother and your family, one to you and one to my mother.

Then I found an old bottle of your pain killers, the ones from when you broke your ankle. All it took was two twists of some caps, one for the pills and a second for the bottle of vodka. I used the oh so familiar alcohol to down the remaining seven pills, hoping to find peace. And to find you.

And the next thing I remember is waking up in this hospital with my little sister's cheeks drenched in tears.

I'm so sorry I became weak again, baby girl. But all I want is you. And there's only one way for that to happen.

Why didn't they just let me die?

-Jacson

(P.s. I swear I heard your laugh and saw your smile after I swallowed those pills. I felt you with me again. I almost made it sweetheart.)

___

So not loving this but, I wanted to post something before 2015. I'll probably end up editing the crap out of this because I feel like it doesn't sound right, like it wasn't actually coming from Jacson.

HappyNew Year!

-Rosey

(*Edited slightly, still not loving it. Hoping that I find inspiration soon.)