Rough beauty

Cold embrace

I remember the days when we'd train our wrists at school , we'd get assignments that took kids about thirty minutes to get through. Overachiever, I always wanted to see how far I could go to see when my wrist would give out and my fingers would cramp in different ways that made everyone wonder what went through my head. The days we went to school without eating because we'd rather have a couple minutes more of sleep than to grab a bite, just to get to a cold empty classroom first to pull the chairs down and spread the papers out to memorize the way the numbers and letters could be manipulated, then to go to a classroom with a pervy scientist teacher who told us to watch videos and write what we learned but mr. sir I don't remember anything, was the earth like created ? I remember the loop in it that I found, to skip class with the teachers permission, to hang out with coppers and go for a ride to the donut shop on career day and on a ride in an ambulance with the paramedics and to bake with the chef and to ride and feed those horses and ride a helicopter. Why would the principal come up to me though ? To taunt me ? He could never beat me in a stare down and he didn't deserve the yes sir he commanded. Those days in iss and this and that and that I scared some girls and that their parents saw me and they were scared too and should we keep her or should we kick her. Oh but these humans never really stopped to think that every second spent looking at me this way or that way wouldn't do a thing to me. I believe that if we were to just want something bad enough we'd get it. We'd do our best to have that something and our will is strong oh so strong, but I read every facial expression and every detail was pierced into my head, and so I laugh at all the times I saw what I shouldn't have seen and heard what I shouldn't have.

There's something I've been meaning to say, I don't know how to do it but I guess my heads been spinning for a while and it settled today. Okay so life's a trap, it goes in circles, things repeat, mistakes are made and kept on replay , no end yet, we're still here struggling with everything and everyone trying to make decisions that just don't have an end. Our decisions are a fucking endless magical map of roads. Each leads a different way none of them are right and none of them should be wrong. We won't ever know what's to happen next, if he'll say "yes let's do it, let's get divorced" or if he'll say "no I never wanted this please baby let's work on this" but then what then ? What's after that ? He'll help me work things out ? Really ? Or will we just go back to our patterns. The funny thing is he doesn't believe in being meant for someone. So in a way I'm a fool who just went through different types of shit for nothing.

You fall asleep at night before I do, whether I'm okay or not. I don't know if I've even slept since I met you. I've dreamt of stuff though, strangely. You know if you weren't here I'd be able to draw you, hell I could draw you with words. You're kind when you're clueless and gentle with what is to be treated like so. When you rage it is entirely different and scary, like a huge monster on top of me just scratching at me tryna reach me. How'd this happen ? Your dark curly brown hair is darker when the curtains are closed and your face is only half visible. Fuck you're not worth describing right now since you're tryna figure out how to divorce me. I'm heartbroken and I can't stop this from happening

You warned me about him you said it, how could you know unless you did this to us on purpose. Black and purple and blue and all I see are stars now. This person doesn't deserve me anymore why didn't I notice how insane he'd be if you never gave a rats ass how could he? You told me you'd hurt him if he laid a hand on me but I don't want him hurt, just myself now. He says I ruined his life, so when is it safe to say he's done using me ? His hair now more ruffled than yesterday and the same tone in his voice with a stone smile plastered on his face, not a tear for the woman he says he loves as she says her hearts done. This gentlemen, is a man, oh yeah a complete man. He fights with you for the fucking relationship, hahaaa no. He's always bringing you flowers and telling you he loves you, and demonstrating it right ? Always haha, no. He lets you know he's there at least when you're feeling down ? Totally, no, wait they usually do that ? What they have feelings ? Fucking lies. He sits back and my heart jumps I know what's coming next, he's hiding something again, like he always was. It's my fault for getting with someone so smart, he knows all the hacks. I don't know if I'll ever really stop writing again, the last page of this will be my death note. Every page will just explain the reasons and why I ended up here. I'll try and hold onto you my husband till that last day but if it doesn't get there I wish you the best. Till death do us part. There was a reason for this, always, for you to know and finally understand everything you did and why it hurt. Let me remind you that when you place your hands on me forcefully that isn't love.