The Hospital Nightmare

Two Sides to Our Pain

     I'm here again in this place, it's dark and feels more gloomy than normal. I'm in the elevator with only my memories keeping me company, "it" isn't here. My memories are all a blur I only remember bits and pieces. I think it's because I've forced myself to try and forget them. I remember one thing, the thing that hurt me the most, they left me... again. This time it's much different than the others. We've agreed to take time for ourselves. It's strange, now being apart from them I've now realized I wasn't truly my person with them. I held onto them, I still do at times. I grew very fond of them and the way they could make me feel at times. But now I must grow from that and learn to live as my person. 

     My thoughts are interrupted by the elevator stopping. I look in front of me to see I'm not in the hospital anymore. I'm in the front yard of what I assume to be a house party. I reek of the scent of alcohol, more specifically vodka. I look down at my hand to see I'm holding a large empty bottle. I'm standing there in the yard confused as to what is happening and where am I. I look to the front door and feel sick, most likely from the amount of alcohol I have drunk. I suddenly hear screaming coming from inside the house. I stumble my way inside to see what all the commotion is about. I see everyone gathered by a room. As I walk closer to try and get a closer look someone pushes me back. I'm confused and push them away from me and through the crowd. Only to see them, lying there on the bathroom floor lifeless. I'm in shock and disbelief. TI thought to myself this isn't real, it couldn't possibly be. I stumble my way out the front door, once again finding myself in the front yard. I'm crying hysterically trying to comprehend what I just saw. I begin to whimper to myself then start screaming aloud, "It isn't real, they're not dead, you can't take them from me, why wasn't it me, it should've been me!" I'm attempting to walk unaware of where I'm going. I look up to realize I'm in the middle of the road, but as I turn my head all I see are bright white headlights. Then everything goes black. 

    I open my eyes only to see I'm in the elevator again. This time "it's" there, sitting in the corner of the elevator crying. I think about walking towards it but before I get the chance I'm somewhere else. I look around it's dark and I'm in the middle of the road again this time I see ____ sitting there. I have the urge to run to them, but I can't. Instead, the road grows shorter and they are closer to me. They're just sitting there staring out to nothingness, then they turn to look toward me. I try and put my hand out to them hoping they know it's me. As I reach my hand out I realize I'm nothing but a shadow-like figure. I can't see my skin and my arm appears to be distorted. They look at me so confused, yet numb. I don't know what else to do. So I try walking to the curb and I just sit there as they look at me. Looking at my feet which are the only things visible about me. I'm in my pair of black Conversese and written on each shoe is part of a phrase. A phrase I know all too well is "Always and Forever" and "Forever and Always." I feel as if I could cry just reading those words and remembering what I had seen before.

     I sit there in my thoughts not paying attention to anything else around me anymore. I feel numb yet there are pieces inside me, unexplainable feelings I have no clear understanding of what's happening or why I'm here.  All I know is I have this very vague feeling of wanting to be with ____. I look up back at them and they're just sitting there looking at me with that blank expression on their face. I can't help but feel lost looking into their eyes. Maybe that's what they are, lost and maybe I am too. I think that could be why we're here, with each other. We may be lost but we acknowledge each other's presence. We can't be close, we can't touch each other or hold the other in our arms. But we sit here looking at one another in silence. I wish I could say something to them it doesn't even have to be much just a simple hi would do. I wonder if they're thinking the same thing. I can't tell, after all, they're expressionless. And for once they can't see what my face looks like, can't tell what I'm thinking or feeling. I bet they're just as confused as I am, or maybe not, I just wanna know what they are thinking.

     All I can do is sit here and hope something happens. I guess I have to wait for them to do something since now I can't move from the curb, not because I'm physically stuck, but because I'm choosing not to move. I've already reached my hand out to them, I let them know I'm here. Now it's their choice if they get up. I don't know what they'll do, maybe they'll get up and walk away down the road into the darkness and fade from me or they'll get up and sit beside me. I know my choice, I'm choosing to sit here and wait for them to make a move. And whichever they decide I'll follow them. I promised them, always and forever and I meant it. Yes, there's a chance I won't be by their side like I want, but I can and will always be in their life when they need me. I've learned many things in my life and at that hospital...

     I've yet to learn what it is I truly want in life. All I know how to do is dream, dream of things that are impossible, unrealistic, and selfish because it's my dream. I started to realize those things won't become real no matter how much I want them to. I've lost many things and people in my life either because of reasons I couldn't control them or because I pushed them away in fear of what could be. I was hurt by people and that caused me to believe I deserved to hurt myself by letting go of the things I thought I could learn to love. ____ at one point grew to be one of those things. Even so, I pushed through, I don't why. Maybe there was something different about them I thought. But now I feel like I know the answer, I see myself in them. Yes I know it's strange but everything they've done and how they've attempted to push me away I recognize it. Because I've done the same thing to everyone else, because of fear. I am no perfect person I am far from being healed from all my scars of the past. But I in some ways can understand what they may be going through, because I went through the same thing. I don't want them to go through it alone though because I know how scary that can be to do. And that's why since day one I've told them always and forever. I want to be here for them, and when they're ready I'll be right here next to them waiting.