1940

I've been dead a long time

Y/N POV:

I think we all know what it's like to lose a loved one but it's much worse when you lose yourself. We all talk about how bad bad guys are and that they hurt others for no reason, but what if we just ask them why they do it what if we put ourselves in their shoes, the question we ask ourselves would be: would you understand me, would you pity me because i acted like that? I don't think so I am labeled as a kind of monster because I act as I was taught, I am called a murderer because I want to protect myself Do you really think I wanted this life do you really think that I thought about the day i want to be suitable as a weapon for an organization that killed me in the end. If someone asked me how I am really doing I would probably say that I am dead ... my life ended the moment the last thing was stolen from me that kept me alive ... my feelings

I know every little girl has at least imagined what it is like to be a princess or painted the family picture with mum dad and siblings . i think i was 5 when i drew the first family picture i had bucky, father and mamma ...i can still remember when i walked to bucky and asked how mamma looked he looked at me and turned to the mirror and lifted mine chin with his index finger he said she looked like me with the same eyes, the mouth and the nose he pointed to a small birthmark that was on my left shoulder and said you got that from mamma too, i turned back to him and asked if that was be the reason that our father hates me so? Bucky looked at me and shook his head he stretched his arms and hugged me he kissed my forehead and whispered father doesn't hate us he is just hurt and sad that mamma died, i think we both knew that it wasn't was mamma died two years After my birth and the last time I saw her, she took my hand and Bucky's hand and whispered, "Always remember that you only have the two of you, stand upright and be nice and when you are on your knees on the floor and no more can, help each other up"

When I was little I always asked myself what she meant, but today I know that she knew that father would give a shit about us and our wellbeing. It was the last moment when I saw a hint of a smile on her face before I was dragged out of the room by father I screamed and wanted to go back to my mamma but he brought me into my room where he locked me in I don't know how long I sat there until I heard voices in the hallway two voices were probably doctors because one of them said that she left I knew that he meant by "she" mamma, I heard a crying voice and sigh, it was probably bucky, I called him in the hope that he would let me out then I recognized the voice of father yelling at someone "That she is dead is your fault, if your depraved sister had never been born that would never have happened if you seriously think that I take care of you ungrateful beasts you have thought wrong see how you get along with your sister " I had never heard father like this before. I was shivering, it was cold in the room and I was afraid I crawled into the farthest corner in fear that if father came in he would yell at me or worse, hurt me. the lock moved and Bucky came in I breathed out with relief he came to me and sat down next to me and took me in his arms, where is mamma I asked and he says that she would be in a better place where she has no pain

°
my eyes shot up and my forehead was covered in cold sweat. i sat up and jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me and sat on the floor and tried to control my breathing. I heard a knock
"Y/N everything ok with you"

"mhhm"

"Please open the door, I know that something is wrong with you"

"it's all ok Steve please go back to bed" i was shaking why am I shaking?

"Y/N I'll kick the fucking door if you don't tell me what's going on right now"

"god i hate you" I got up and went to the door and slowly turned the doorknob, he stood there with a concerned look and looked down at me

"what's wrong with you?"

"you know what it was wrong of me to think that everything would get better it was wrong of me to try to be a good daughter or the perfect little sister yes it was even stupid to think i was someone's best friend but the stupidest thing was To think that I could make amends for what I messed up by becoming an Avenger" I said it more to myself than to him when I was looking for my things to pack in a bag

"what are you talking about" he ran after me until he grabbed my wrist so that I had to stop

"You know me and Bucky promised our mamma to always stand upright and be nice to everyone, but I think I can't do that, I can't pretend that everything is ok when in reality ..." I stopped

"if in reality Y/N?" I couldn't look him in the eye and turned to the window

"In reality my life ended the moment I was 17 they took everything from me" again I spoke more to myself than to him he took my face in his hands and turned it to him

"it's all too much for me i should be ok now that i'm here but i'm not it's like everything i touch i destroy"

"you have a panic attack Y/N breathe"

"no you don't understand my mamma she died because of me then you and Bucky I could have killed you, I can't hurt anyone let alone lose "I bowed to my knees and cried with my face in my hands

STEVE POV:

"no you don't understand my mamma she died because of me then you and Bucky I could have killed you, I can't hurt anyone let alone lose " she sank to her knees and cried with her face in her hands

I dropped to my knees and took her in my arms and wiped the hair off her face

"You know that's not true! Your mother Winnifred died of cancer and not because of you who told you that?"

"m-my father" she was crying in my arms and I held her tighter

after a short time while we were sitting I looked down at her and saw that she had fallen asleep

I picked her up and lay her on the bed and put the blanket over her I walked out of the room as quietly as possible on the way to the kitchen

"sleepless Rogers?" I turned and saw Clint in the kitchen too

"yes one can say so apparently you too" I smiled

"everything ok with Y/N I heard crying through the door as I walked by" he held up a bottle of water and i nodded

"She ... she had a panic attack I mean she and Bucky had a difficult childhood with her father. Her mother died when she was 2 and her father blamed her for it. He abused both of them but it hit her the most because she was little Bucky was bigger and didn't put up with most of it"

"wow that sounds terrible no wonder why she doesn't trust anyone but you" I nodded

"when Bucky and I found out that she disappeared, my first thought was her father, I blamed myself I should have been there we should have looked after her more i know i couldn't have done much i wasn't strong myself and i wasn't a soldier yet but bucky and i never gave up. she was the reason why i wanted to join the army i wanted to destroy HYDRA and save her when i woke up after 70 years my first thought she and bucky I wanted to know if they had been found and when Fury came and said that she was alive I couldn't believe it ... "

"You and Y/N have something in common are you that it's just friendship?" he asked with raised eyebrows

"what do you mean?"

"I mean rogers do you listen to yourself when you talk you care so much about her and you want to tell me that there is nothing between you?!"

"I don't know. Yes, she was always there for me, she saw more in me than anyone else and she wanted to be friends with me even when I wasn't who I am now. She has always been a special person in my heart whether she is there or not. I can still remember when Bucky introduced me to her for the first time, she was 6 or 7 and she looked at me and said you are my best friend from today to our dead and hugged me " i smiled to myself at the thought

"there it is again" and pointed at me with a grin

"What"

"the smile when you think of her, I'll tell you one thing, my friend this girl has turned your head, you realize your thoughts because you won't get any younger either "
he said and patted me on the shoulder and left