heart-eye howell

Depression and Insomnia

-Dans PoV-

and yet again I had a terrible night. I feel as if I didn't sleep at all. Did I? I can't remember, the only thing I know, is that I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in the darkness. I must have slept though, I remember waking up several times, sweating an breathing hard, that well known pressure on my chest, that makes me feel sick and as if I am suffocating. But by now I am used to that. I still panic, but not as much as before.
I got up and walked into our kitchen. Phil was already up, making pancakes for the two of us. He greeted me with a bright smile, that made my heart beat faster. His eyes were shining, as always.

"morning", he said, and for the first time that day I smiled.

"hi", I responded, looking at him with amazement.

How could someone be so innocent and cute but still turn me on so freaking much? I tried not to look at his pants, I knew exactly what he was wearing, his adorable cookie-monster pj bottoms, that were a bit tight around the waist and sometimes revealed a few details about what is inside. That was the problem. He brought our full plates to the table, each of which carried a huge pile of phil's well known pancakes. He knows, that thats one of my favorite dishes. When he put the plate down in front of me, it hit me. 'you are so chubby already, you really shouldn't eat that, phil will never love you if you are fat, you will break out and your face will be uglier than it is already' I knew these voices already, and usually I kind of manage to deal with them, but at that very moment all I saw was Phil and how perfect he was and I just knew that I am nothing near his league. I felt tears rising to my eyes but I tried hard to fight them back.

"I, I'm not very well, I'm sorry I'll be right back" I mumbled and was already on my way out the door.

I shut myself in the bathroom, made sure that the door was locked and sunk down on the floor, leaning against the door.

"Dan?", I heard Phil's worried voice outside, "are you okay?"

I had left the room so quick, he didn't even have a chance to question my behavior earlier. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm fine", I replied, quickly making up an excuse, "I'm kind of sick I guess, I'll just take a quick shower, but I'm fine, really" I tried to sound as positive as somehow possible.

As a confirmation I started the shower.

"okay then", Phil said, not sounding very convinced.

I avoided looking into the mirror, and ended up actually taking a shower. Afterwards I wrapped a towell around my waist and after checking that Phil wasn't in the hallway, quickly headed over to my room. I closed the door and went to look for some clothes. When I dropped the towel to get changed, I saw my reflection in the mirror in the corner of my eye. I knew that this was everything but a good idea, but I couldn't help myself turning to the mirror, staring at my completely exposed self. Disgusting. Horrified I stared at this boy in the mirror. This chubby, ugly boy. I looked at every single part of my body. My disgusting face showing off too many pimples, my awful torso, my muffin top, my thunder thighs and not very nice feet. I grabbed different parts of my body that were covered in disgusting fat and squeezed so hard that it left bright red stripes. Suddenly I thought of Phil. How could he ever be slightly attracted by me? I am such a fail. I don't deserve to live. A tear was running down my face. Trying my best to fight my emotions back, I lay down in my bed, still naked, covering myself in blankets. After a while of just staring at my bedroom wall, I thought I had my feelings under control but the thoughts were still as loud. All of a sudden I heard an extremely familiar voice

"Dan? Are you okay? I'll come in!"

I did not respond. I didn't want him to see me like this but at least he knew about my mental problems as well as my inability to sleep when I was thinking and worrying too much. He was in my room, but I made no attempt to move or say anything. I had this huge pressure on my chest again, making me feel like I just didn't get enough air inside my lungs. Then I heard my bed covers rustle.