Her Darkness (Jim Moriarty x Reader)

Chapter Sixteen

I was beginning to get anxious. It had been nearly a month since I had seen or even heard from Jim. I suppose part of me was relieved, but I couldn't get him out of my head. He was the one thing I could think about. I hated that. It's like he had me on the bloody edge, and there wasn't a single thing that I could do about it.

It was like the longer that I was away from Jim, the more I wanted to find him. I wanted, I needed to find him, be near him. It was almost like I craved being around him.

"God I hate how that sounds" I thought.

Jim was the one person in the world that I never expected to even begin to give a damn about. But, I do. As much as I hate to admit it, I do care about him, give a damn. I want him, almost need him in my life. I need him around me, I need him like a plant needs the sun.

"No. Fuck. Not happening." I thought, practically mentally scolding myself.

"You can't actually be fucking serious right now. Bloody hell y/n, it's James Moriarty. He's a criminal, a psychopath, a villian. You can't love him. He can't love you. Don't waste your damn time, it's not worth it." I thought.

It's really not. Part of me knew that this was probably exactly what he wanted. Jim knew that I would fight this, fight him, my feelings for him. He also knew, or thinks he knows that in the end I will choose him over John and the Holmes boys. I didn't want to, John was my best friend, and Sherlock and Mycroft, they were like the only family I have left in this world. I couldn't hurt them, I didn't want to abandon them, not after everything.

I suppose, there was only so much control that I had over the entire situation though. I guess, I know, there is a part of me that does just want to give in. It's not like I've made any attempt to contact Jim at all whatsoever since the last time that we had talked. I feel like that's what he wants. He wants me to come crawling to him, if I do, he wins. But, in all actuality, what's the harm in letting him win?

What had my friends and family really done for me? I mean, sure John tried to talk me out of joining Moriarty, and basically has always had faith in me. Sherlock, as hard as it is for him, had always tried to be there for me when I need him. Mycroft, well, he's been more of that pain in the arse older brother that generally seems to not care, but you choose to tolerate him.

The one thing though, was that I don't think any of them had any true understanding of just how hard it was for me to fight that so called darkness inside of me, for me to not just go running to Jim, telling him that I just need him, and that I would do anything for him.

I didn't know how close I was to giving in. I felt like I was maybe one push, one shove away from running to him, letting him have me on his side. I felt like I was one step away from doing whatever the hell he wanted, because it seemed so much easier than trying to fight the one thing almost every damn ounce of me wanted, which, was him.