That Platonic Landi

02

“So, how’s school? Malapit ka nang mag-med school ah. ”

My sister asked me while driving home. My Dad told us that we’re having a “family dinner” at our house together with my sister since hindi na ‘rin naman siya nakatira ‘dun dahil kinasal na siya. Kasal dahil pinagkasundo silang dalawa. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ng kapatid ko at bakit siya pumayag sa kasal na ‘yun kahit na alam ko naman na hindi nila mahal ang isa’t isa. Hindi nga nila alam kung sino ang papakasalan nila, nalaman lang nila ng engagement party na.

Siguro ito ang paraan ng ate ko para makatakas…Makatakas sa buhay naming nakakasakal.

Good for her though, atleast hindi niya na mararanasan ang nangyayari sa’kin. Pero there always a consequence dahil nasa isang relasyon siya na hindi siya sigurado sa taong kasama niya.

Ugh! I badly want to leave that home!

Oh! It’s not a home…it’s a fucking prison!

Gusto kong umalis at tumakas. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi pa sa ngayon!

“Please don’t ask Ate!” I scoffed at her. “Alam mo naman ata kung ano ang nararanasan namin.” Then I rolled my eyes.

She laughed at my remark.

“The expectations at its finest.” She uttered. “I know the feeling Nikko.”

“Yeah. That.” I sarcastically said.

Tumingin nalang ako sa labas habang papauwi kami ng bahay. Naririnig ko palang ang salitang bahay ay naiirita na ko. Kung pwede lang tumakas ay matagal ko nang ginawa pero kapag ginawa ko ‘yun, saan ako pupulutin? Sa kangkungan?

Nakakasakal.

That’s how I described our home. Nakakasakal dahil kahit ayaw mo, gagawin mo pa’rin dahil wala kang choice. Nakakasakal dahil hindi nila alam ang nararanasan mo. Puro lang sila utos kahit na alam namin na hindi naman namin kayang abutin. But we forced ourselves to reach that thing just to meet their fucking expectations!

I always envied some families who are just living their normal life. I wanted to experience freedom for so long but I think it’s just too impossible for me. But there is always hope in me that maybe someday…

I can find my own freedom.

I can’t wait to live on my own. Without my parents expectations. Without any pressure to reach something. I badly want that.

“We’re here.” My sister announced. “Tara na! Baka mapagalitan ka ni Dad.”

Sabay kaming lumabas sa kotse niya at pumasok na sa bahay. Gusto sumigaw, gustong-gusto pero hindi ko ginawa, dahil alam kong sa dulo…talo ako. Wala pa akong lakas para gawin ‘yun. I just needed to wait until the right time to fucking leave this house.

“Ysabel! Nikko! You’re here!” my Mom welcomed us with her smile.

“Mom!” my sister greeted Mom with a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m fine hija.” Mom answered. “Ikaw? Kamusta kayo ng asawa mo? I’m expecting a grandchild now! So, kailan?”

My sister let out a nervous laugh. I have to stop myself from laughing are her face. Mukha siyang ewan! Sino ba naman kasi ang gustong magkaroon ng anak sa taong hindi mo naman mahal. For all I know, pareho lang naman silang napilitan sa kasal na ‘yun dahil sa pamilya nila.

“We’re both busy.” Tanging sagot ni Ate.

I gritted my teeth ng hindi man lang ako pinansin ni Mommy. I laughed sarcastically dahil hindi naman niya ‘yun ginagawa. Yes, she’s our mother but, I don’t feel it. I never felt it. I never felt the love of a mother.