ᵈᵃⁿᵈᵉˡⁱᵒⁿˢ ♡ 𝘐𝘵𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘪

Dᴀɴᴅᴇʟɪᴏɴs ----♡ XIII

"I hope I don't murder me,
I hope I don't burden you,
If I do, I do."

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Do you know the feeling of just wanting to stay in the bed, not do anything, not having the strength to do anything, feeling shittier than what you already feel, and overall not wanting to go through with anything? Or rather, you're having a depression episode? 

that is what was happening with Y/n. 

To the moment she had gotten out of the hospital and went home, she hadn't been able to sleep, didn't have the strength to eat, hadn't bathe, and she was feeling more down than ever. All this happening in a month after she got out. 

And the worst thing was that, at some point, she had given up completely. She didn't whether she wanted to continue to live, she didn't what was the point of her life- what role she played in her own life. She started everything, she started wondering if life was all that people said. She was in the depths of despair that she visited many times before, but she couldn't come out now. And it hurt her- not as much as she had been before, but because she knew she stood no chance against. 

But what should've hurt her, wasn't hurting her. 

It was the fact that her most beloved friend (and lover), was hurting because of her. She didn't feel as miserable as he had felt- she paid no mind to him. She simply laud in bed, never ate, never bathe, never left her room and house. 

It was maybe the fact, that after their talk, she had given up completely. She really put her finger on it- nor could Yuji. Because truly, they had no idea how to reconnect after that talk. 

It was like water putting out a fire eternally.  

And during this entire thing, she felt as though she had burdened even more than what he needed. But she was human as well, and human's have feelings, right? 

'I don't understand anything anymore. Do I truly enjoy being here? Do I want to continue?' She was tired of everything.

Y/n couldn't understand the feeling of her emotions. She had always felt like this. Always questioning, wondering, purposely hurting herself for the sake of being just a burden to herself. And it was because if that, that she got tired of everything and everyone. 

But just with what had to both her parents, to the constant bullying she had at school, to the constant remembrance of her disatorious life. 

"Y/n, can I come in?" 

She didn't want him to see her in the lowest point of her life- but what would that make? He had seen her bloody bruised before, so what was so different now? 

Was it the fact that she just didn't want the word of comfort now? Was she finally fed up with the only sunshine she had? Or was it the final fact that she could no longer handle all the overwhelmedness she had built up inside her being. It was wrong, so wrong because she hadn't moved or made note of helping herself. 

So she didn't bother to try. 

Because it was moments like these, that she finally felt the lowest at. 

Hours later and she hadn't left her room. 

However, she was on the floor crying, holding herself and contemplating whether she wanted anything else. 

She was angry at herself. 

That's when she stood up and started throwing all her things to the floor. Her anger was there and evident, but her own emotions had finally spilled out on the perfectly astray world she no longer wanted to be apart of. She had no energy to stand, she had nothing. 

Yuji stood outside her room, hearing the crash of everything from inside her room. He couldn't do much. He had been trying, but she was just....that. 

"Nothing I do is ever good enough!" 

Maybe it was just that. 

Maybe it was the fact that she finally felt so low that she no longer wanted to be herself. She didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, and she didn't blame him- not a single ounce of blame went towards him. 

Y/n went towards her wall of pictures, she started throwing them onto the floor. The glass shattered and went everywhere, she couldn't stand herself or anything in her room anymore. 

But as she grabbed the picture of her family with Yuji, she had felt something so small and miniscule. To other people it wouldn't be enough, but to her...it was enough to make her cry hot tears. That's why, when she threw open the door to her room, she launched herself into his arms.

Pulling him closer as much as possible, crying into his shoulder as they fell to the ground, and he simply let her. Because, for once, he understood that just simple touches or words were enough to make her feel the special feeling he had felt from her. It was enough to make her feel loved- it wasn't completely, but to her it was enough to make her feel better. 

Y/n didn't know what it was, but something was familiar about the way he gently held her, how comforted her, how he kept quiet as she sobbed into his shoulder, how he didn't question her. She felt as though everything around them had became so quiet.  

And although she had never cried so hard in life, she still felt everything around her. She was tired of everything, she was there to be there. But with Yuji... with him she okay. She knew in her life at some point, she would come out of the depths of hell and despair to help herself from own monster. 

It wasn't great, but maybe it's what she needed. Maybe she needed the small words, touches, and lingering thoughts of just getting better would help her. 

All she needed was a reason, and she had found her reason. 

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"I've been a burden."