i want to be okay again. i want to feel something other then anxiety and fear again. i want to feel happiness. i don't want to be alone anymore. i miss having people care. having people to talk to so i could distract myself from the voices. the voices yell at me everyday. telling me to hurt myself and break my clean streak. they convince me i don't deserve to eat. they tell me i weigh too much. i know its not true. but im scared. the voices constantly telling me no one cares. no one loves me anymore. the voices are constantly telling me to kill myself whenever possible. whether it be by jumping in front of a car or downing an entire bottle of pills. i sometimes remember what my arms used to look like before i stopped cutting. all those lines. the voices say they where pretty. all those scars did was remind me of how much of a failure i am. thats all i will ever be. a failure. a mistake. someone that was never meant to exist. my mom never even wanted children. i was an accident. maybe life would be better for everyone if i didn't make it. maybe if the birth control worked. i sometimes wish the birth control she was on at the time worked. im tired of existing. im tired of the voices. the constant numbness in my heart from when i used to feel loved by my boyfriend. from when i used to feel loved by anyone. im so tired. i barely sleep at night anymore. the only time i ever sleep is when i take naps in the middle of the day. i want to feel human again.
