Drowning

VI. Sinking

"OH MY GOSH, YOU WHAT?!" Melanie's voice is filled with excitement.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH HIM,"

"Yeah I know. But shh, I'm trying to keep it on the down low. I'm still not sure how I feel about it,"

"He told you he loved you right?"

"Well yeah but-"

"Well then what's the problem? He didn't rape you did he?"

"No. no, no, don't even think that. It's just the fact that it may have been a bad time. Don't you think it's too soon?"

I hear a huff on the other end. "How old is he?"

"18"

"And how old are you?"

"17 about to be 18,"

"Okay then. You guys are both of age, you both care about each other, and this is what you wanted, isn't it?"

"No, I wanted a kiss, Melanie, a kiss,"

"So you got a bang for your buck,"

I knew I wasn't the only one who thought of it that way.

"I guess I did," Why am I second guessing this? I left his house happy and now I don't feel sure of myself. What's the problem?

And it hits me. I'm only thinking this way because I feel guilty. In a way, I feel like I took advantage of his vulnerability just for a kiss. I know that isn't true, but my self-conscious keeps telling me different.

"Hello? Hello? Emma? You there?" I didn't realize I hadn't been responsive.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry I was just thinking,"

"About what?" Just then, I get another call.

"Hold on a second, Mel. I'm getting another call,"

"Okay," she responds, and I switch over.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Emma,"

It's Ryder. "Uh I have to talk to you about last night," He says.

"Uh okay," Please don't crush me.

"I'm sorry for taking your innocence. I tried to play it off but I couldn't. I mean, I can't. I don't know what I mean. It's just that last night wasn't suppose to happen. I just felt bad and I took advantage of you and I'm sorry. I didn't realize it until you left and I sat in my room and actually thought the whole thing out,"

"What do you mean?" Stupid! You know what he means! You were a booty-call.

"I used you for a cathartic reason and I'm so sorry,"

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I thought my excuse was bad. His was way worse. Here I am thinking that I took advantage of him to get a kiss when in reality, he was the one using me. Using sex as a way to get out his emotions. Like narcotics. Sex for him was like a drug. Do it and all emotions are gone. I have been used.

I'm speechless.

"Emma?"

"I'm here," I'm holding back my tears. "I'm—"about to burst "—okay,"

"So you're not mad at me?"

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT?!

"I have to go,"

"But I-,"

"Bye Ryder, I have to go,"

I hang up both calls. I don't feel like talking anymore.