Hopes

Chapter 25.

Obi-Wan's POV

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Everything was calm and still. A rhythmic beeping sounded faintly, a constant humming whispered nearby, and low voices murmured in the distance. Soft fingers rubbed over my knuckles, and cushioned padding engulfed me. Nothing hurt, and all seemed well.

I opened my eyes slowly, taking in the whiteness that surrounded me and the beauty that sat beside me. I smiled at her, pausing to appreciate once more the delicateness of her face, the golden glory of her loose locks, and the pure love in her sapphire eyes. She reflected my smile with a sad one of her own, and I wasn't ignorant of the silver lining the gemstones that were her eyes.

"Hello, Obi," she breathed. "How are you?"

"I'm doing better," I responded as confidently as I could. "How about you?"

"I'm happy to see that you're safe." She looked away, blinking quickly. "I was so worried about you."

"I was worried for you, too." I squeezed her hand. "How did you go with helping Ahsoka and her group?"

"They were fine. Ahsoka and Lux particularly were very helpful." I didn't miss the pale blush that spread across her cheekbones, but then she was speaking again. "You mentioned that you found Anakin. Would you like to elaborate on that?"

I sighed, pausing to gather my scattered thoughts and to settle my unsettled emotions. Then I explained. I started at the very beginning, right from when I first saw those bright blue eyes through the crack in the Senate's doors, through to our adventures, joy, and pain on Alderaan and Corellia, and finally to the heartbreak of our parting. All the while, Satine listened carefully, her attention fixed to me and her hand clasped in mine. At the conclusion of my story, she helped me sit up then engulfed me in a tender hug. 

"I can't believe it, Satine," I whispered. "I can't believe that he had been using me the whole time." I took a deep, shaky breath as I pulled back. "Yet I can. I shouldn't have been so blind. There were enough subtle signs that I wanted to ignore, but now, looking back, it makes sense. Nearly every time, he obeyed Maul without hesitation. I think I was just a means to an end." I rubbed my thumb over the glittering band on Satine's ring finger. "I'm only glad I made it here alive. I did come away with some useful information, so it wasn't wholly a waste of time. I suppose it also gave me some closure around ... around him."

She kissed my knuckles. "I'm sorry, my darling. Know that we're always here for you."

I smiled sadly, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and slowly getting to my feet, despite Satine's objections. Lifting her to her feet, I wrapped my arms around her and met her protesting lips with my own.

"You're my family, Satine," I murmured. "And though Anakin will forever have a special place in my heart, I have to let him go. I can't waste my life dwelling on the past, and I can't waste yours either."

She gazed deep into my eyes, sadness and anxiety reflected in her dilated pupils. "You can't waste –"

A nurse knocked on the door, interrupting Satine. He smiled when he saw me standing. "I'll take it then that you're feeling better, sir. With your permission, I'll run a couple more checks. You should be fine to leave after that."

I consented to his examination, pleased when he declared me healthy enough to leave and amused when he warned me to take it easy, especially when his word was accompanied by Satine's stern look. I departed on shady terms and with vague promises that had Satine scowling at me.

We left the medical wing, bumping straight into Ahsoka and Lux. The Togrutan teen's face lit up, and she squeezed me in a hug, chattering excitedly about what they had done and spilling out questions around what I had done. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders, walking out to meet Padmé and Clovis, then smiling at shy Barriss in the corner. In all of their eyes, I could see them asking the same question, the one that I didn't want to answer. But I carefully shut the door to shock, betrayal, and sadness, filling them in on the details and explaining as tactfully as I could about Anakin's actions. I didn't want them to harbour anger against him, but I advised them not to extend trust to him. Especially over that last part, I stumbled and tripped, relying on Satine to provide words when my tongue tied into impossible knots. 

I managed to fumble through the hardest section, moving on to the information I had collected about the project that Asajj was working on. Ahsoka and Lux particularly were interested in whatever I could give about the project, but I could only offer so much.

"I don't know that much about it," I explained, "but I think we need to find out. Bail Organa said it has captured enough of Asajj's attention to have distracted her from the rest of the galaxy. That's both good and not so good because Asajj isn't so interested in what is happening around her, but she is also focused on it. Therefore, any attempts to discover information about it may be spotted by her, which would jeopardize our position."

"I agree," Ahsoka said thoughtfully. "But I also agree that we need to figure out what it is. If Asajj is that interested, it would seem to me that this will be endangering the entire galaxy."

I nodded. "I concur. Come on, then. Let's see if we can solve the puzzle."

So we searched. We spent hours poring through information on the Holonet, media posts, and even Mandalore's archives. Anything that seemed remotely helpful or useful was thoroughly examined, discussed, and usually discarded as inconclusive. Minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Life revolved around us, speeding faster than I could reconcile. Time seemed to have morphed into a gushing river that everyone else was riding. Satine flitted between being duchess, hostess, and wife; Ahsoka and Lux bounced around crazy ideas and hopeful concepts; Padmé and Clovis balanced looking after the twins and offering suggestions for sources of further clues; and Barriss observed and listened, often caring for Padmé's children and sometimes engaging in our quest, always with that ever-present frown, as though she was trying to remember some lost memory. 

And then I stood watching as the waters flowed around me, carrying along my family and my life. Each sunrise brought new thoughts and excited propositions, and each sunset a reminder of my inability to protect, to discover, and to succeed. I watched as the river raced, as everyone around me was swept along by its currents, but I seemed unable to follow. My feet were planted in the bed of rocks, forbidden from moving on, no matter how hard I tried. I could call to them, tell them where to go, and guide them through patches of despair and frustration. But I couldn't move. I wanted to pull my boots from the heavy weights of guilt and betrayal, I wanted to walk through the slippery path of loss, and I wanted to join my family as they hastened to catch up with time. But I couldn't shake the memories, I couldn't forget the dreams, I couldn't change the choices, I couldn't still the fears, and I couldn't resurrect the hopes.

For my brother was gone, and grief liked that. Hopelessness fed off grief, and pain chased after hopelessness. So try as I might, I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget him. I never wanted to, but I knew I had to let go. For the health and wellbeing of my family, I couldn't get trapped in the past. The key to the door of time was acceptance.

"You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you."

The tense of my sentence was what broke me. I did love him. But Anakin was gone. 

I had to let him go.

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Wow, I was not expecting that last bit to go so sad!   Sorry everyone! :( I thought Obi-Wan was more over it than this, but I mean, seriously, how can you forget in an instant what took years to build? Poor thing doesn't deserve this.

Even though I nearly made myself cry, I enjoyed writing that last part! I loved the river analogy, and I just feel it represents Obi-Wan's life at the moment so well. It was kind of sad, but beautiful. And if you weren't crying enough, don't forget that Obi-Wan has suffered loss before, so he really doesn't want to go through that again. I feel that's where a lot of his desire to hold on is coming from. Sorrryy!! :}

Once again, thanks so much for reading, for commenting, and for your support. It really means so much to me, and you guys just make me smile and laugh so much. And thanks so much that we're over 100 votes – much appreciated! ^.^

Dedications:

Wikluk/Cam_Skywalker_501st/the_space_raiders/X_-_-_-_-_-_X/General_Skywalker/anakinpadmeforlife