Posie ~ So you're a siphoner, right?

Chapter 9: Fucking Idiot

Josie's POV

This is not how I planned the party to go. I first  entered the mill thinking that this would just be part 2 of the other  party off-campus, but boy was I wrong.

I have yet to see Penelope  at all. I know she is here somewhere because she texted me wondering  where I was. I told her I was coming, and before I even had the chance  to look around for her, I was stolen away by Raf. A very drunk Raf.

Now,  I am currently sitting on a log by a fire listening to my drunk ex  about to go off on a tangent. I take a finish my drink in my hand,  unsure what the mixed drink really is.

I think it's just some fruity  cooler Lizzie gave me, but either way, I need more of it.

Before I  can let Raf talk, I quickly pick up my bag of booze, pulling out  another cooler. When I finally settled on the log next to him, Raf gives  me an unnerving look.

He looks sad but the most unnerving part is how  he is looking at me with such care. Just like how he used to when we  dated.

God, I really wish I could be with Pen right now but I know  how rude it would be to excuse myself or even check my phone. I can  tell that Raf wants a serious talk, and in all honesty, it should  probably happen anyways.

Before he can go off, I give one last look around, hoping to see Penelope but I don't. Just Lizzie talking to a new guy.

Rafael  takes a breath in, composing himself before starting, "I should not  have broken up with you." His eyes are already watering, and even though  he was drunk moments ago, he has seemed to sober up.

I am not  ready for this, and I was not expecting this whatsoever. Raf hasn't  really crossed my mind all that much since Pen has been around.

The only  time I have really thought about him is when I am comparing him to  Penelope, and it is mostly for sex things anyways.

Again, I feel  too sober for this conversation. I know that this is a conversation that  I can't just run away from. We both need closure and we both need to  talk it out.

"Raf." I warn, but it ends in more a voice crack. I sound defeated and broken already. Fuck.

"I  know, I know." He sweetly says, his voice matching mine. I said this  talk should happen, but I never said it should be easy.

I really liked  Raf but he broke my heart. He made me believe something was wrong with  me. That being pansexual was something that would make me unfit for a  relationship.

Penelope has never once made me feel that way. Mind you,  she is Bi and it's not like we are dating or anything.

He takes  another shaky breath in, "I have wanted to talk to you so bad since, but  God, it's so hard." He is really trying not to break down right now, I  can see it in his eyes.

His pain triggers mine, and I know our  expressions are matching each other right now.

"I knew I had to get drunk to talk to you because I needed courage." He explains, his eyes are still glassy with unshed tears.

He  just waits for a response and when he doesn't get one, he just  continues, "Jo, I am such a fucking idiot. You were the best thing to  ever happen to me. I was such an asshole for breaking up with you. I was  scared and ignorant when you came out. I was worried that it meant you  wanted to explore and I was holding you back. I had a little panic  because everything hit me at once. I overthought every relationship you  had, knowing that you could fall for anyone, and I was nervous about  pretty much every friendship you had. I thought that maybe they were  more than a friendship and I know now how dumb that was. I should have  trusted you more and I should have been more open-minded, but I have  changed. I even watched videos about it so I could understand it better.  I am really trying Josie. I really am. I want to be better for you."