sour ˗ ˏ ˋ ♡ ˎˊ ˗ vh

VII

Drivers license
aftermath

I hate when everyday things get tainted by a person. Just one memory can ruin something for me, it sucks when everything reminds me of him.

I got my drivers license last week, just like we always talked about.
Cause you were so excited for me to finally drive up to your house.
But today I drove through the suburbs, crying cause you weren't around.

A simple thing like getting my license, held the memory of him. This is supposed to be a stepping stone for me, like it is for every other teenager, but instead all I get is the tainted memories. ever since I got it, I couldn't help but drive past his street, it almost didn't feel real. I'd always end up crying, it just hurts knowing that he's doing so okay now that I'm gone. God. why am I crying over a boy? who cares. he doesn't. I mean, he's probably with that blonde girl anyways, the one who always made me doubt. I should've known better.

he told me they were friends. I scoff at myself. yeah well, now it sure ass hell don't look like it.

I see his face everywhere I go, it's like everywhere has his face plastered all over.

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards. can't drive past the places we used to go to.

I hate that I let him break my heart & I hate him. no I don't . I still love him. how can I still love someone who hurt me like he did?

God, I'm so blue, know we're through
But I still fuckin love you, babe.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone, FaceTime. great. now I have to explain to my best friend why I'm siting alone in my car crying. again. I wipe my tears and answer the call.

"OH MY GOD LIV guess what" she starts off the call enthusiastically. "you know that one guy THE REALLY CUTE ONE from that one movie with Millie, yeah the British one, you know?? chewsday innit bruv. okay well I was talking to her and she goes on to tell me how he told her something about you—" she abruptly stops her rambling "wait..what are you doing.." shit. "nothing why?" I responded way too quickly. "okay, well why does it look like you're in your car crying after driving past vinnie hacker's house for the millionth time since you got your license"

I hate that she notices everything, I couldn't even get out of this. cause it's exactly what I was doing. crying over vinnie after driving past his house for the millionth time since I got my license.

"I miss him.." I spoke quietly. I hate saying that, but it's the truth, after the hell I've been through after our breakup, I still miss him & I still love him. even after he betrayed me.

she sighs knowing that line all too well, it's all I ever talk about. "liv you can't keep doing this to yourself, it's not good" she's right. her & Millie have been telling the the same things. move on, you'll find someone better, he doesn't deserve you, he's not worth it. and that's exactly what she followed up with. "you'll find another him, you shouldn't let him make you feel like this. all he is, is a thirst trapping, skating, eboy. who doesn't deserve you." she was just trying to make me feel better but it never worked. "no he's not Jen, he's more that that" my voice quiet as I continued "you don't get it, you don't know him like I do"

All my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them cause they'll never know you the way that I do.

Cause you said forever
now I drive alone past your street