Runaway Wife|✔

20

It doesn't make sense. None of it does. Maybe it's payback? But I hate to use that word because it isn't like that. The pain I feel is too real for it to be some joke.

 All things come to an end, I guess. One day everything is fine, but the next you're abandoned by the one you love. Not by choice that is. Standing near the window watching my babies running in the yard, rubbing my big round stomach. I can feel the kicks as I watch my others laugh in the distance. I wonder what they are thinking. 

I was so naive to believe that this would go on for a long time. I gave him my heart, but it wasn't enough. I gave him everything I had, and I'm paying the price. I think happiness wasn't intended for me.  The hardest part of the relationship cycle is letting go and moving on. It can make you feel unhappy, lonely, depressed, and a variety of other undesirable emotions. And I for one, am feeling it all. 

Everything changes, how can I move on? I know I have to for my kids but, it's not fair. I want to be selfish and cry even scream. People keep reminding me that life goes on, but that's the part that gets to me the most, why does it have too? Life doesn't stop for anybody, another smack to the heart.

I wish things were just different, but I ask for that too much. I wonder if asking too much stopped whoever granted such things, from allowing one more request. That would be greedy I suppose. I have tried everything, I will tell the kids that one day. Because that's the hard cold truth. I know because I tried even begged with a million words and nothing came about it. I even cried a million more tears and yet that didn't do anything. I've torn down so many doors hoping you would be behind one. That you would come back yet its another dark, cold, gloomy room. 

I wish I could say I regret even meeting you. I wouldn't feel this way but, I can't. You gave me three wonderful kids. You gave me a home. You gave me happiness when I didn't think it was a thing. You were what I needed.

Every breath I take, indicates I can live without you. But that's not the truth. Nobody can see it, but every time I take a breath, my whole body hurts. I feel like I am suffocating. I thought I could be strong for the kids but, one slight word that reminds me of you makes my heart bleed. The silence at night scares me. How is that human? 

Earlier Danny was doing a puzzle. I remember Charlie doing that puzzle a few months ago. She was so happy she finished, she wanted to grab it to show us, but it broke. Pieces went everywhere and not all were found. I should have thrown it away but, Charlie loved it so much and said she would find the rest. Never did. Danny tried to use some band-aids. No matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't work. The puzzle was ruined. And nothing would fix it. How ironic is that? Because that's my heart, nothing can fix the damage. It's ruined.

The kids. They won't have two parents in the same home anymore. We both won't be at their events together or their achievements they will receive as they grow. How is that fair to them!? They are innocent. Charlie, Danny, and little E need to have us both there but, that can't happen now...because of you. 

Because of you, I cried a lot. Because of you, I've had a lot of laughs. Because of you, I believed in love. And now, because of you, I'm heartbroken. I will never trust again. I will never look at a man the same. I will never love again.

I will miss the little things. The sweet kisses on my neck in the morning as I cook. The hugs to relax me when I'm stressed. The random stories from work. The hand holding in stores. 

I will miss the big things. You holding my hand as I gave birth to Danny. You playing tag with the kids. You allowing me to be a mother to another baby. You choosing me.

But now its gone because of you.

I move around the house like a zombie. Some how the kids are now in bed, sleeping peacefully. The stars are bright outside and it's a full moon. Time just flies and I allow it. How can I not? I'm doing this alone again. Re-adjusting my life when I thought I just did that for a good reason. I am back to sleeping alone and parenting alone. Are you happy Nick? I know you didn't plan this but, why Nick? Why? Sobbing into the cushion trying not to wake the kids, I let it out like any other night. 

You promised me and now look, I take on a title I didn't ever dream of

Widow

That car came out of no where they said. You died within seconds. I am thankful you weren't in pain. I think that would hurt me even more. 

We got the person. They will pay for taking you from us. Justice will be served.

 I hope you know that we love you Nick. I know I blame you but, I also know you want to be here more than anything. You dreamed of our big family. I promise you these kids will know you love them so much. Little E will never get to meet you in person but, we will share stories. You won't be forgotten, I promise. You fought so hard for this family and they will know that. Most importantly, I know that. You were the best dad any kid could ask for. The best husband any wife could ask for. The best brother and friend anyone could ask for. You have my heart forever. 

I love you Nick and will forever

Xxxx