The Little Things

Crushes, Friendship and Mental Health

Crush
I used to be in a relationship with someone before i came to the school i am in now. We just liked each other no touchy here touchy there no dating. Just like. We "broke up" in the end because i was a jerk and he was too impulsive. I joined my new school, had orientation and now have a crush on my orientation group leader (OGL). Problem is...he is kind of a jerk...to me. Personally. And his pretty for from an ideal height which is kind of a problem 👉👈 With that being said, literally everyone in my friend group hates him. Except. Me. It's problematic yes. It's a toll an my already troubling mental health yes. I know it's bad yes. But i dont want to quit. I did confess to him but i got rejected he told me to wait. Wait till he finished his year end exams (and yes im currently waiting). It's horrifying to know that i have turned into that person who is willing to do anything for him to like me back. However, even if he did, we have nothing in common, our personality are opposites and he is 3 years older than me. One more thing, he has a girl *space* friend that has been with him for almost his entire life and the pictures they have with each other are very... more than friendship like. I have friends in my past school that know about him. Met him online before, and they all tell me to give up. It has gone to the extent that as much as i love them and trust them, i feel like i can no longer tell them about problems when it comes to my crush and i. It is taking a toll on my mental health. It makes me cry just thinking about him and everything. But yeah im coping well enough to hide my true self from anyone.

Friendship
I have 8 besties i love alot 🥰 and they are sweet people. 4 of then are from my past school, and the other 4 from my current school. The ones from my past school know about my crush and the ones from my current school dont but they suspect that i like him. They too don't condemn us being together and i have absolutely no means of telling them about my feelings for him. Why? I feel uncomfortable knowing that they know especially my closest friend in my current school, she came from a girls school and i have no idea how she will react. I love all of them equally and am willing to share ALMOST everything with them. I met my first best friend when we were 3 years old, we were inseparable till 6, moved on to primary school and lost contact, and came back together in primary 6 and from then on we were best friends. The other 3 hopped in the magic school bus as i went through life and ups and downs.
My current school besties two of which i met during orientation and the other two from class (our class was split into two for orientation) and so yeah all 8 of them.

Mental Health
I honestly have no idea how im actually coping. But my emotions just go 📈📉📈📉📈📉 every single fuc- day. Sometimes i just want someone to just hug me tell me its okay and stay with me. I dont know what im feeling. I suspect i might have depression but i dont dare to get a therapist because if i do i have to go through my parents and god...they are the last people of all. Why? Well because they just dont seem to understand me. I can explain everything as simply as i could but almost no one can understand the emotions i feel from time to time. Especially when HE blueticks me. Gawd...it feels so bad. I think i can control my emotions well enough that i dont blow my cover in the middle of school? And i think that is enough for me. As long as people around me are happy i generally should be ok...i hope?