Red Eye

Part Sixteen

I must have fainted.

I wake up to the piercing coldness of the floor against my cheek; the bitter taste of some long dried-up coffee stain stubbornly engrained in the tile lingers as I lick my dry lips. 

All I remember is the humming drone of the dial tone as the line went dead. Then darkness. 

My Mom... 

That was her... 

I heard her voice... 

She was talking to me...

I try to conjure an image of her in my mind, remember the last time I saw her. Whatever features I recall- her kind brown eyes, the constant pale pink blush in her cheeks, her crooked smile she was always embarrassed of- have probably changed in the years that have passed since I left. Age had probably drawn lines across her face, dulled a bit of the radiance she carried with her, made fragile her already delicate nature. 

And now she was dead. Is dead.

Is she?

Everything still feels so unreal. One second I'm losing my mind, the next I'm hearing my own mother... die. 

And Dad. What had become of him before the virus took over? 

Had the silvers appeared in his dark hair yet? Had he grown that beard he had always talked about wanting? Had he become... kinder... since I had left? Had he been a gentler, nicer man these past few years before the virus reignited the anger buried within him? 

None of these questions matter do they? They're both gone... Victims of this terrible plague. 

I've never lost anyone before. It hurts...

Duh... fuck yeah it hurts...

But there's more to it than that.... The pain, the heaviness... the emptiness. 

People who have suffered a loss, they're completely inconsolable, bawling their eyes out, blubbering messes of snot and tears, demanding answers from above and those around them as to the reason for why their loved one was taken away. Others retreat into themselves, hide the sadness, bury the anger. There's no true moving on but they force themselves to continue forward anyway, one step at a time.

I've cried everything out of me, the tears have left my face wet and slick. The back of my throat is dry and hurts like hell. I try to swallow but I'm choking on that lump that refuses to go away. I feel like I should be an absolute wreck right now but nothing is coming out. Internally I'm screaming, weeping, asking the broken-record, epically stupid question of why this is all happening. On the outside, I'm just here, laying on the floor, utterly lost and numb to everything. 

...

My stomach is growling but I'm not hungry. I'm mentally running through my list of food which triggers a series of moans and groans from the dark recesses of my belly but I feel like if I eat anything, I'll just cough it back up. I'm chewing gum from one of the many packets I snagged from the counter just to keep myself distracted, trick my body into thinking I'm actually eating. 

This isn't me biding time, planning my next move. This isn't even boredom anymore. I've grown complacent. I've accepted my fate... could even argue that I agreed to it once shit hit the fan. I'm not going to run, not going to find another place to hide. I'm staying here. I'm going to die here. 

Even if I did make a last-ditch effort... where would I go? Would I even survive one step out that door? And what's the point anyway? We're all in the same sinking ship here and everyone is still clinging to it for dear life, afraid to jump, to plunge ourselves into the unforgiving waters. Is it really better to die a slow death? 

Is that what we're all doing... all us "ZA Survivors" out there? Are we just waiting for the inevitable? Entertaining ourselves with videos and theories to keep ourselves distracted from the truth? Teasing ourselves with the hope that this will all go away soon, that some miracle cure will be created, that the troops will coming marching in with their tanks to drive the evil away? Have we all silently decided we are going to go down with the ship?

Turning myself on autopilot and letting madness settle his fat ass behind the controls, I can feel the words forming on my tongue, pressing themselves against my clenched teeth and much to my completely horrified embarrassment, I hear myself begin to mumble...

We're all in this together
When we reach
We can fly
Know inside
We can make it
We're all in this together
Once we see
There's a chance
That we have
And we take it

Damn you Zac Efron...